Lords rules were changed recently so peers are required to register personal clients, rather than hide behind umbrella companies. However, APP is absent from Lord Mandelson’s entry in the register of members’ interests. Boris Johnson has his Yeo taxi interests, Lady Front-Bottomley has her private health interests, Ed Balls has his Coop interests, and David Cameron has  recreational interests that occasionally cloud his judgement in relation to Baron Green, the well-known Central Line tube station. How can we stop this ghastly trafficking in interests? The Slog investigates, but not entirely seriously.

“I think it’sh time to round up the ushual sushpectsh, Louis”

Leading Parliamentary constitutional thinker and bigstream rapper-man Lord Justice Justin Hedde-Caisse this afternoon put forward a remarkably simple idea to ensure that future Parliamentary votes are entirely free from undeclared interests, corruption, fornicatory motivations, and okey-pokey penny a lick.

“My contention is,” Justice Justin began,

“We needin’ more decorum

in de quorum for de forum

but widoot all de Mandelbum

and Camerbum

fuckin’ up de culture wi’ deir udda chum”.

Justice Justin is just trying to say that the just way to vote in the Commons is to deny the lobby to arseholes just in case they are carrying a flame for, shall we say, BUPA or G4S or the Unite Union or umpteen billion other folks who couldn’t give a chuff about the individual citizen. He is a cool dude Justice Justin, and he continues as follows:

“What we needin’ is a system

dat stoppin’ all de twistin’

so to be fair in

de Chamber we goota do

some pairin'”.

This strikes me as a crackerjack idea: for each vote, we pair off the Union-backed Labour MP fodder with the Newscorp supporting MP fodder, the feminist MP man-haters with the misogynist bullies, the Climate Change profiteers with the Delingpole denialists, the EU pension holders with the UKip grey shoes sporters, the closet Tory paedophiles with the Yorkshire Labour MPs, the BUPA brown paper bag arseholes with the COHSE sponsored….well, I guess you get the idea by now.

I’ve passed these data into the Slogometer mainframe computer, and here are some of the predicted results available so far:

Health Service reform

Bill to mutualise the NHS by community

For 3 Against 0

(Voters for recorded as Kate Hoey, David Davies, Tom Watson)

Education Reform

Bill to oppose any private sector sponsorship or pc in the Education System

For 5 Against 1

(Voters for recorded as Kate Hoey, David Davies, Julian Lewis, Tom Watson, Dennis Skinner; against, Michael Gove)

Media Reform

Bill to sentence Muppet Turdlock to 20 years Hard labour among the Australian colonists

For 2 Against 1

(Mr Speaker decided there were so many interest conflicts, a quorum could not be established. He cast his deciding vote for the Ayes)

This looks to me like the way forward. The organs of the State (aka dickheads) will wither away in this context, and leave us with just those few who put the citizens first, second, third…and the lobbyists last.

Earlier at The Slog: Lies, Damned liars, and Coalition statistics