Frightened f**kwits in final fracking foray bid

Tepco, operator of the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear plant spilt another 250 gallons of highly radioactive water into the sea yesterday….because the tank containing it (as supplied by the General Electric Company) had no gauge to warn them when it was full. But General Electric spokesperson Earl Anwadder came out on the attack against critics of the GE plant.

“Look, who needs a gauge? You got eyes, right? I can’t help it if these mothers are all myopic. Right now we’re sick up to the back teeth with the media reporting every little leak,” he commented, “This is chickenfeed compared to the thousands of tons of shit we already put in the Pacific. I think people need to get real here. We are absolutely on top of this thing now, nailing a new roof on the tank so it can’t leak any more. People are risking their lives here to show people how harmless the incident is, and we could do with a little more support.”

But in a dramatic move yesterday evening, Noble Energy Director of Consumer Facings Chris Talkleer told the Reuters news agency, “We stand ready to help Tepco with this small hiccup. After all, there isn’t an organisation in the world  with more experience than us when it comes to leaking radioactive water – as we showed only yesterday in Western Pennsylvania. We’ve looked very closely at the Fukushima situation and we’re pretty damn sure that what the Japanese need right now is fracking and plenty of it”.

Talkleer went on to explain that, “natural gas is unscathed by volatility in unstable regions, and the only things given off by fracking work are fugitive methane emissions, in other words – farts. We have men ready to go out there and frack directly beneath the site. Within a week it’ll collapse into a giant hole, at which point we will pour a billion cubic yards of concrete on top. Trust me, this is as safe as houses. Well, houses not built near a fracking mine anyway”.

Asked about the methane possibility, Mr Talkeer said, “Well, if and when the fart blows its top the Japanese people can be proud of being the first nation on the planet to have a billion-ton concrete block in orbit. This is no more dangerous than a meteorite, and we haven’t had one of those for eight billion years.”

UK Prime Minister David Cameron hailed the Noble offer, adding “This just goes to show what capitalism can achieve when two companies get together to sort out a completely unforeseen problem. I have asked units of the SAS to stand by should their assistance be required, and I can assured you in all sincerity that Fukushima is turning the corner, fracking is the future, George Osborne’s unpleasant rash is on the mend, and his deficit black hole is healing up nicely”.