53% of of Britons don’t know their neighbours’ names – and even more have no idea about the jobs, social habits and everyday problems of those living near them – a survey published today found.

For example, a Mr D. Cameron of 10 Downing Street told the survey he had “no idea” who the somewhat shifty man living at Number 11 was, but he had a funny feeling he might be implicated in fiscal lies, wild parties, white powder, economic over-confidence, and improper relationships with fat-headed Australians and fat-bottomed prostitutes.

Another respondent –  Mr Philip Battenbergolopoulus of The Mall, London – confided that he was unsure of even who his housemates were, although the neighbourhood had improved “since that bliddy clothes-horse woman with big hair totalled herself in Paris”.

Roy Hodgson of Sweet FA Trophies plc claimed he was having difficulty recalling the names of his players, on account of their performances being particularly unmemorable.

And 70% of residents in Westminster’s Labourparty Ward claimed they had no idea what the f**k the Council Leader Jed Moribund was on about.

Further, 100% of men said they rarely knew WTF women are on about, and women in turn said they didn’t GAF what men are on about. But 57% of women admitted they asked their husbands if their bums looked big in jeans, and 83% of men admitted they said “No” for a quiet life.

However, although just 10% of women felt that they came from Venus, 99.8% of men admitted to a penchant for Mars bars.