Mother of 5 Lucy Newmark and her virtual partner Brooks

Few Ministers go the extra mile to quite the extent that Brooks Newmark did in his role as Women’s Champion. Indeed, I know of no cases where such a chap sent an ECU dick-shot by email in order to declare his commitment to a member of the opposite gender. I don’t know of any – but we are talking Conservative politicians here, so I’d imagine such tokens of virtual affection are quite common. Wife Lucy is one would imagine very familiar with Brooks’s willy, as they have five children. But I’d imagine things are a bit tense over the breakfast table Chez Newmark this morning.

It could’ve been a lot worse for David Cameron, of course: had Boris Johnson been knocked down and killed by a bus last Friday, the public would probably be in possession of the full facts about Elm House, the trafficking of young flesh from Richmond Council to that address, and the role of Lee Ho Blittan in this and other activities involving diplomatic bags. But BoJo’s capacious arse is still placed firmly on that enquiry, so it would be a mistake to hold one’s breath.

Cameron had a week of PR cock-up again. And whenever there’s a cock-up, a crackdown will swiftly follow. So it was that Dave went a bit Daily Mail yesterday, vowing that there’d be a crackdown on welfare spongers – for instance, education leavers unable to find a job because Blair lowered exam standards, Cameron’s mates screwed up the economy, and the Mad Handbag ripped the mining and manufacturing soul out of British industry. There will, however, be no cracking down of any kind on bankers and Whitehall mandarins who between them managed to double the UK’s national debt liabilities.

Yes, it’s the level playing fields of Eton in action once again…And soon to be in action above the Iraqi and Syrian oil reserves are the graduates of Sandhurst – although the actual dying and death-dealing will be done by the RAF, its dwindling ranks no doubt full of folks who couldn’t find a job, and thus went into the armed forces. My own view is that IS(IS)(IL) set the world’s biggest mousetrap, and the Cabinet lunged at the cheese with gusto. Soon we will have more enraged Jihadists here in Cruel Britannia….which is of course exactly what IS/ISIS/ISIL wanted. Whether it’s what their Saudi paymasters wanted is another question – but it is most definitely what John McCain and his military/aerospace lobby wanted: more munitions munneeee, yippeeee.

‘IS you IS or IS you ain’t an ISIL?’ is the thought in my disordered mind this morning. It seems that the Pentagon/Saudi rebranding alliance can’t quite decide whether we have a State, an Oxford magazine or an ISIL about to devastate the world. But whatever it is, having been a shrinking bunch of squabbling nutcases last January, it is now become a threat to 5.7 billion earthlings, against whom it stands ready to apply the full brute force of its 20-30,000 troops – 27% of the size of the Iraqi army, and unable during three years to unseat a tiny Alawhite sect led by Bashar Assad in Syria.

Maybe what made it a global threat to Universal peace in four months flat was learning from the Bazooka Theory of Timmy Geithner – as expounded in Warsaw three years ago: “Guys, you godda leverage,” said the love-child of Robert Stack, and instantly was there,um, nothing. But this is OK, because UK Prime Ministers and the British Electorate learn nothing over time. They will fear nothing – and they will attack nothing – because they believe everything.

Still, the Ally-go-round that is Western foreign policy continues on its giddy way. British intelligence officers, it seems, have been asking Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad for his advice about how best to drop bombs on his country. This isn’t entirely in keeping with Foreign Secretary Gung O’Hammond’s insistence that Britain will “not strike deals with the despot, as such an alliance would not be practical, sensible or helpful”. But that was on a Tuesday, whereas it’s now Sunday, which – obviously – is half-day closing for ethics.

Unable to get anyone elected democratically over three decades, Nigel Average has decided to simply nick them at random from the Tories. Like that little bloke I often think sits behind the drier in laundromats, pulling out a sock here and a pair of undies there, Nige has recently pulled a couple of smalls from the tumbling drum that is the contemporary Conservative Party.

It is ironically (but predictably) two-faced of Barrage to moan about the unfairness of first past the post Big Party Machines…and then promptly treat the electoral system as a Maginot Line. Fine, both these men will have to “face” reelection: but the groundwork making that a near-certainty was done by other people and their commitment to a different Party. UKip will go into the 2015 Election with two MPs – but under false pretences. Whether they add to that will depend on forthcoming events.

Cheering UKip on from the heavily-guarded safety of his spacious apartment atop Ivory Towers, Lord Ashcroft’s polling diarrohea continues to loosen bowels across the political spectrum. In need of further supplies of Imodium this morning is Ed Miliband, the official Leader of the Labour Party, albeit not the British Opposition. Normally when one has just held a Party conference, a poll boost follows. But such is the nature of Ed’s headline-grabbing charisma, following Labour’s hopeless effort last week, the Party’s lead shrunk from 6% to 2%. Meanwhile, over in the Blue Corner, 73% of 27% of Tory voters last time said they’d vote UKip instead in 2015. If this trend continues, we can expect that by 2017, 100% of 0% of Conservatives will remain loyal if 77% of the 73% of 2010 loyalists decide to become UKippers too. However, if Labour’s lead shrinks along the same continuum at the same rate, by 2016 Labour will get -33% of all UK votes, some 135% of whom used to vote for the Party.

I don’t want to get into the LibDem extrapolations as that would involve dipping into the sub-atomic zone. Suffice to say that, should the poll trends continue, by 2021 Nigel Farage will have morphed into El Falangista, the Supreme Cordillo of Southern Counties plc. All of which goes to show how much notice one should take of opinion polls.

Keeping you abreast of other important world affairs, I thought you should know that Clinton offspring Chelsea is a game girl and no mistake. Announcing the birth of her first child on Twitter, Chelsea hardly missed a beat before making a £50m move for Everton’s Ross Barkley. Still, with her parents’ fortune looking healthier every year, I suppose she can afford to pay for sex.

Finally, The Slog award for Top Reality Furnisher of the day goes to the Independent on Sunday’s Rosie Millard who, writing about Dave Lee Travis, asserted ‘Women get their bottoms pinched. It is part of life. Get over it’. Hallelujah. Dave always behaved badly (I have personal experience that proves it, as he used to be a friend’s neighbour) but times have changed since then. I thought him harmless, although we must remember that I’m a bloke, and he never pinched my bum. The bottom-pinching line is, DLT was a Bear of Little Brain for whom there is no longer any excuse. The key words there are no longer. 1965 was not 2014 and never could be. Vindictive feminist prosecutors, pay heed.

Dave Lee Travis has emerged from this insane saga bankrupt, traumatised, broken and bitter. He was a pawn in a disgusting game being played by a team of unrelated members with umpteen different motives – money, distraction, and BBC-bashing. These are the wages of having an ignoramus like Mark Williams-Thomas careering around – with the accent on career. Unwitting or not – I genuinely don’t know – Quark Bilious-Tomahawk has given succour to media baron fascists and hardcore Westminster psychopaths. May his wife be blessed with a thousand children. All at once.

Last night at The Slog: Why pink oboe mutilation is wrong, and other stories