“Putin caught on tape at rape orgy” claims Sark Twiniams-Pompous

Vladimir Putin will shoot down every passenger plane in Europe, invade France, burn Paris to the ground, and probably empty the entire water system of Western Europe unless he is stopped in Ukraine, claimed Frau Angria Gurgle last night.

“This is not just about Ukraine,” she said, “it is about the the barbaric Russian bear breaking free from his cage and raping his way from Donetsk to Torquay via Berlin and Amsterdam, just like they did last time which is why I was forced to work for the Stasi against my will and walk around with nothing on during those dark years before I finally liberated my fridge and escaped to the West”.

In a desperate bid to avoid an octagonal-dip recession from joining forces with the previous seven, BoJ president Fukuchina Kamikaze will this morning try to re-freight the Japanese economy by filling large crates with Yen and then holding Lucky Dip parties all over Japan. “This will increase retail spending and then after that we will take all the money back in tax and dump it into the Leakushima plant,” explained economist Harikiri Killokure.

Japanese Prime Minister Gimme Abacus’s bold QE experiment got off to a disappointing start earlier this year when he tried to achieve parity with the Mali banana while buying $850 zillion worth of shares in General Electric, but the gdp still fell by 700%.

However, global eco-fiscal guru Android Evan-Elpus said that other factors needed to be taken into account.

“Most thinking economists now agree that without QE, Ebola would be endemic throughout Western Europe,” he opined, adding, “We have to remember that as Japanese debt is itself one billion per cent of gdp, setbacks like this are relatively minor hiccups and might even help in the end, I don’t know because I’m making all this up as I go along. But what is clear to me is that Japanese debt is onshore thanks to the unique strategy of lending money to themselves and retaining full employment. This lack of workforce slack means nobody gets the sack and everything will pack up back to back once Japan’s off the rack, and consumers learn the banzai-knack of buying bric-a-brac while jumping over the crack….ready to pack up their troubles in their old kit bags before invading Nippon’s neighbours, which finally solved all the problems after 1932”.

“Listenayoo,” suggested ECB Chairman Mario Don Corleoni to the EU Parliament yesterday, “Why you look asso sad,eh? Italia gotta de big problemo but warraelse izza new? Anna de Grecos is behind on their taxes but we talka smallfry here…weez inna good shape and issa gonna get much bedda once I start a spendin inna de mossa unconventional way denna yoo gonna see us cookin onna gas”.

The Bundesbank and ECB have drawn closer on economic stimulation in recent weeks, such that BB boss Tense Weidefück has withdrawn threats to hang Corleoni upside down from a Milanese petrol station if he so much as purchases an old Bond video. But Mario will be skillfully avoiding any confrontations by following a policy of Creative Random Asset Purchasing (CRAP) that is unlikely to irritate the Bankfurters. CRAP expert and leading FT columnist Nigelino Lewswoman explains:

“It is expected that Mario will begin with massive purchases of ABS braking systems, thus wiping out any potential for a growing German trade deficit. At least €0.8 trillion will be used to hoover up excess Fiat cars not as yet backed by gold, and a majority stake in Spain’s giant omelettes to castanets combine Huevomenco is expected to produce a significant boost for Iberian exports. But the turning point could well be Corleoni’s plan for massive French reflation and debt reduction via the €8.7trillion purchase of 30,000 hectares of nuclear waste dumps near Cahors, and its reconfiguration as a gigantic vineyard focused on exports of pretentious wine to Japan. The Bank of Japan in turn will buy everything the new scheme produces, having shown particular interest in the planned Geiger/Comptoir grape blend.”

In his recent speech, Don Corleone singled out Greece as a country which “reapa di beneficio” of the mass suicides and other spin-offs from the eurozone austerity policy. The Greek economy grew by 0.7% this quarter when a 5-litre can of Kardamyli olive oil was bought impulsively by Foreign Minister Evangelard Veriobesos, making Greece the fastest-growing economy in ClubMed. The ECB boss confirmed his plan to cancel the tax on Greek dips and thus stop any chance of a double-dip recession, adding that every waste bin in Athens will be filled with the results of the last central bank asset purchase of 3.6 million Dutch pancakes. Socialist leader Alexis Tsipras said he thought the idea would fall flat.