UK in shock as PM issues horror list of imminent death for every Briton

Maily Torynaff expert Dim Bonehead vindicated as Dave outs Seven Deadly Superthreats in new clampdown


Peace envoy and Fawn Again Christian St Dave of Camerbury this afternoon followed up his seasonal message of Peace on Earth with a sobering prediction of War on Britain.

“Nevva,” he began, “in the field of human conflict has so much extremism been been threatened by so many upon so few….who wrote this shit? Who? Oh, young Johnson. Er, right, well, we’ll go with that then“.

Warming to his theme and fiddling with his trousers, Pax Cameronicca for the first time revealed the full extent of the mortal danger which these islands face from the deadly threats of sinister organisations only now discovered by the tireless forces of MI5, GCHQ, Google, Facebook, Twitter, Tesco and the New Wave Unisex hair salon of Middle Wicket, Shropshire. He listed the Seven Deadly Dangers as:

  1. The British Legion Long hidden behind a veil of respectability, this shadowy and secretive paramilitary organisation has for decades weakened the resolve of the British People by covertly importing poppy plants through the infamous offices of disgraced drug lord Afghani Stan. It is in fact now known to have been hijacked after 1948 by admirers of Nazi mata hari Odessa von Hinterhammel.
  2. The Beatles Once honoured by crypto-Communist Harold Wilson for their services to decadent agitprop music, so far only 50% of known Beatles operatives have been terminated during a joint CIA/Met Police operation spanning half a century. Created by Rothschild faygaleh Brian Epstein, the Group continues to have widespread influence today, with overtly NVE tracks to their credit such as All you need is Love, Baby You’re a Rich Man, and An Octopus’s Garden.
  3. Beaverbrooks the Jewellers After covert observation over many years, this seemingly harmless retailer of watches, metals and precious stones has been revealed as one of the top five dangerously homophobic fundamentalist reactionary groups in Britain by top MI6 operatives Milhaus Sweet and Algernon Ringleader. GCHQ resident outer Peter Tatchell has called the soi-disant retailer “the greatest pusher of engagement rings onto unwilling gay men in history and let’s face it Beaverbrook is in and of itself an open insult to those of repressed minority orificial preferences”.
  4. Skipton Building Society The liberation of savers held captive for generations by the notoriously ruthless and just not at all nice Baader-Mutuality Gang led to all but the most diehard cells of Comintern finance being extinguished in Britain. The last redoubt of this delusional diablo of death is the Skipton. In the previous four months alone, seven inflammatory interest rate rises offered to ageing North Yorkshire savers have been foiled thanks to the watchful greed of the JP ‘Stanley’ Morgan (NSA Division) branch of Blair Bankfine & Ptnrs.

The Prime Sinister also confirmed from the very highest security sources for example Con Coughlin and Prince Charles that potentially horrific nuclear missiles could be launched at any minute by

  1. Mills & Boon – second only to Bonnie & Clyde as wanted international anti-tree terrorists
  2. Anusol – a Jihadist group (only recently penetrated by MI5’s Burgess MacClean Associates) specialising in rectum explosive devices
  3. Arsenal Football Club – the front for ISIS operations in the UK, led by Arsene ‘Frog1’ Wonga and his éminence grise – the man thought by most Sureté lavatory attendants to be the mastermind behind the Paris attacks – G’ooner Boxir.

Ridding Great Britain of these foul viper-nests was, the Archbishopric Cammerung declared, “the best way to banish silly conspiracy theories put about by people called Guido, Raccoon, Slog and Mr Ethical”.

In his closing remarks, Prime Minister Cummerbund regretted that 4.7 million more cameras would have to be installed by preferred supplier Yeopics over the next three months, but insisted that such measures “are the only way we of this Island Race, this Happy Breed up for God and King Harry, this Sceptred bile, this Cradle of Kleptocracy, this haven for those under the Jackboot of odorous taxation, can remain what we are and always will be: a glitzy haven and erroneous example to those unfortunate enough to have been born Abroad about how to preserve low wages and high hopes at one and the same time, while shuffling pointless fiat paper around”.

Earlier at The Slog: Big new idea – employ the unemployed