OFFICIAL: Brexitosis ‘firmly under control thanks to new Government booklet’ says Hunt

protandsurvSo great is the danger to all Britons faced by the possibility of Grexit, the Government’s media advisor Mr Clinton Slobsby has recommended a booklet be sent to every household in the UK explaining what to do in the event of chemical warfare being used to spread the deadly Russian-made virus Brexitosis.

Featuring a foreword by Chemical Ali Campbell stressing the need to avoid oddball gaggles at every opportunity, the new and extensively-researched update of the original Protect & Survive gives an encyclopaedic insight into all the ways loyal EU citizens can stick with the project and thus lead us all towards a famous Pyrrhic Victory.

The following are “must do’s”, the Government stresses:

  1. Avoid contact with other citizens on the internet, especially if they are from Greece, Portugal, Spain, Italy, Hungary, the Ukraine, Poland or Russia. Brexitosis is directly transmitted through electronic pulses hidden within propaganda from these rebellious terrorists.
  2. Avoid going round to see friends for dinner without first gaining an assurance from them that they are committed to voting Remain. Vote Leave agitators often put secret brain synapse-altering chemicals developed in Moscow into the food, leaving EU loyalists powerless to resist putting a cross next to ‘Leave’.
  3. If a Brexitosis spore-attack siren goes off, go immediately inside, take all the doors off their hinges, jump into a binbag and hide under a door until you hear the All-Clear. You will immediately recognise this as the voice of Jeremy Tai Ping Erra saying ‘It is safe to go and Vote Remain I have done nothing wrong and I love the NHS’.
  4. Do not read newspapers such as the Daily Express or sites like The Slog. The special ink they use can make you go blind within a week, and once the Russian invasion of Europe starts you will be defenceless and a burden to your fellow-citizens.
  5. Listen intently to every speech Mr Corbyn makes in defence of the European Union.
  6. Ignore everything Mr Corbyn says about nuclear defence, because he is a swivel-eyed Loon whose emotional brain was neutralised following a bizarre incident involving Mr Putin and an umbrella.
  7. Watch Bloomberg’s special channel devoted to this subject, Why Britain will sink & everyone will drown if Brexit wins.
  8. Be vigilant and keep an eye out for roaming hordes of £36 billion black holes  deliberately launched from Vodka palaces moored off Cyprus by Brexitists bankrolled by Vladimir Putin.
  9. Follow the democratic example of Mr Recep Erdogan by proclaiming death to Islamophobia in all its forms and declaring passionate loyalty to NATO.
  10. Ward off potential possession by Brexidemons – use tried and tested Shappsorcist, only £448.95 from all good pharmacists displaying the sign “Stay Alive – Vote Remain” outside their premises.

Remember: all Leavers are delusional, selfish, old, thick Nazi paedophiles with crazy ideas about eugenics, alchemy and Brussels conspiracies. Stick with the Top Ten tips above, and stay with those who value science over ignorance.

Earlier at The Slog: Camerlot’s unique dose of QE Remain stimulation