It used to be said in the past that “truth is stranger than fiction”. But in a 21st Century world where even the daftest fictional idea stands no chance of living up to everyday beliefs, every established form of parody and satire is unlikely to make an impression. The Slog’s search for a new and more effective approach continues, with just a hint of horror here and there.
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The House of Commons this lunchtime engaged in its weekly Alexander Technique class, in which scores of honourable members stand up and sit down in an attempt to attract the attention of a fat toad (with a praying mantis for a wife) who has no intention of giving time to any backbenchers not on his list, he being far too busy chairing Committees about Westminster bullying on account of his unparalleled track record as a misogynist shit.
As this ritual unfolds, a person well past her prime called Prime Minister tells the House (pronounced ‘Hice’) how she is deeply moved by the pointless death of seven million young men a century ago. Another lilly-livered person opposite who opposes nothing that might lose votes called Opposition Leader pretends to agree with the PM about seven million young men a century ago, and then disagrees with everything the PM is doing by pointing out everything the PM isn’t doing.
PM replies to OL by answering a different question to the one OL asked, but OL persists with a line of questioning about about Islamophobia in Burma, and the mess that is Brexit. The PM signals her solidarity with Burmese letter-boxes, and insists she has complete confidence in her Brexit Chequers because PM knows OL has to pretend to oppose Brexit in order to appease the anti-Brexit hordes behind OL’s back. As it is impossible to oppose and appease at the same time, OL asks a question about food banks.
A toady then catches the eye of Fat Toad, and congratulates PM on cutting taxes for ordinary hard-working households, about which he knows nothing.
Eye of toad, shit of misogynist, liver of lilly and cut of tax….stir well, and broadcast when everyone’s at lunch. In this way are cultural and societal problems tackled in depth, and British parliamentary democracy condemned to death in the thin soil formed by ejaculations of élite onanism. Just the ticket for Hallowe’en.
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In a rousing call to arms earlier tonight, Baron Adonis called on all activist Remainoids to scour the graveyards of Britain in search of Zombies still qualified to vote on the UK Electoral Register.
“We should dig up their arms, along with any other limbs we can find, and then (with the help of techniques developed over the last two years by Count Campbellstein) give them assisted packages to the nearest polling booth where they can realise an unfulfilled destiny by voting for Britain’s instant return to the European Union,” he told startled passing strangers at the corner of Old Kent Road and Armistice Avenue, nearest Tube Cockroach Central.
Announcing the formation of a new action group, Grave Robbers for Europe, Lord Adenoids of Nicosia later donned co-respondent spats, and gave an impromptu performance recalling Fred Astaire’s main routine in the movie Follow the Fleet. He made 73 pence before being moved on by police, who told him his depraved routine was offensive to Muslims.
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A man who has never offended a Muslim – but is renowned for his propensity to follow the fleet – is the head of Red Gay‘s military wing, Pacifista. I refer of course to the bitch with an itch to snitch and by God he’s a witch, Owen ‘Smasher’ Jones.
Jones the Vote ‘asn’t tweeted for 19 hours see, on account of ‘is bein’ very busy on ‘is broomstick ‘eadin’ up an’ down the land drummin’ up support for Corbyn the Labour, on this the eve when lost souls are there to be turned to the ideology that dare not speak its name, isn’t it look you?
There’s nothing Owen enjoys more than sitting on a good, long broomstick. This keeps him firmly on the straight and narrow, and restricts indulgence in his sad tendency to act the poltergeist by throwing things around and making a lot of noise. But he had just enough time to land on Planet Guardian this morning and come up with an absolute belter from the school of Spirit World Alternative Reality. Writing of the period from 2006-2010, the Welsh Wizard tells us:
‘The Tories wished to portray Labour’s fictional overspending as the root of Britain’s economic malaise’
I propose to demolish Owen bach’s muddle involving the words ‘fictional’ and ‘over’ in an objective rather than tribal manner.
- Gordon Brown left the NHS with a PFI ‘off balance sheet’ bill about as repayable as the alleged Greek debt.
- He turned a blind eye (because he had one) to the Civil Service scam whereby Whitehall pensions became the single biggest unfunded liability the UK has – infinitely bigger than anything involving WASPI/2020 – without ever coming before Parliamentary scrutiny.
- He baled out an outrageously overstretched and utterly mendacious UK banking system and City (with only its own frenzied greed to blame for the disaster) to the tune of a staggering £780 billion….a sum only fractionally smaller than that required for the entire United States banking system to be “rescued”. Taxpayers in 2018 are still paying the salaries of nationalised banks that continue to pay bonuses the rest of us can only dream about.
- While in Office as Chancellor, he knew perfectly well what was about to hit 1950s born female State pensioners, but did absolutely nothing to inform them via the media they were most likely to read.
- When he arrived as Chancellor, George Osborne grasped how easily both Brown and Darling had colluded in the Whiteminster plot to make WASPI/2020 women pay for the financial incontinence of the political class….and proceeded to make them pay even more by further muddying of the ‘SPA Reform’ waters. In no way were the proposals a reform: they were designed to protect the rich from the formerly protected poor.
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Hallowe’en is just another former religious occasion that Mammon has turned into a brainless celebration of anti-social behaviour. This ranges from trick or treat in our neighbourhoods to treats designed to trick in Parliament.
As far as I’m concerned, the best use of Hallowe’en is to go on a witch-hunt. I hope you found this one entertaining and informative.
The Slog 