We live in a world where tomorrow’s news is more confidently expected than today’s weather forecast. The former suggests a lack of creativity, and the latter a lack of competence.

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What makes weather sites more interesting than other news on the internet is that every day, there is a new outlook. You thought it was going to be 38° and dry on Thursday, but now it’s going to be 27° with the likelihood of a plague of fluid boils and a shower of falling jellyfish in the evening.

Such is in stark contrast to non-meteorological news, this being infinitely more predictable.

Thus, a senior Tory MP has written to the head of the Metropolitan Police calling for a full criminal investigation into the leak of diplomatic cables from Britain’s ambassador to the United States. Ambassador Durroch is a notorious anti-Trump conformist rather less forthcoming on the nature of an unelected State that hates The Donald. I would be willing to bet the farm that the senior Tory complainant has never yet called for an investigation into former Mayor Boris’s Elm House paedophile cover-up, Mayor Boris’s taxi emissions fraud, Mayor Boris’s dodgy dealings with Haringey developers, Foreign Secretary Hunt’s corrupt relationship with the British Council, Foreign Secretary Hunt’s redacted emails relating to the Newscorp bid for Sky TV, or indeed the fiddling of responses to Murdoch’s Times in Hunt’s successful bid to be voted Best London Employer.

But that’s all eminently predictable – as is the Deutsche Bank disaster long foreseen by these columns now starting to go very public, with lots of its workers around the world leaving the premises today with a few possessions in a plastic bag. It is, of course, too little too late: the dangerous policies of Deutsche went untreated for too many years. I can, however, confidently predict that former DB employee Sajid Javid will not be called to account for his role in this collapse.

Equally (and tediously) predictable is the Remainer inability to grasp the anti-Citizen evil that drives the Brussels bubble forth. A twitter FBPE pillock today offered us his two reasons to Love the EU: ‘I can live and work anywhere without needing a visa, and cross borders without being asked how much wine I’m carrying”. He thought they were three reasons, but he obviously has finger-counting difficulties after the Number 2.

As we all know, applying for a visa to go on holiday to somewhere nice takes up every one of the spare hours in an average person’s annual existence….and ultra-cheap booze is by far the best way to dull the appalling experience of living without freedom. Ask all East Germans, Poles, Hungarians and Russians over the age of sixty: they’ll be happy to tell you about it.

Either way, this bloke would probably have liked Germany in 1938 because the trains ran on time, and you could do 200 kph on the Autobahns without being bothered by the Jewish Elders of Zion conspiracists trying to make life difficult for the Master Race.

Unanimous votes are to be fully expected at all times in the Trades Union Council. The dwindling membership of the TUC has voted “unanimously” to make a Second Referendum official Labour policy. I doubt very much if all seven million voted in the same way, but the trade unions have always been very keen on indirect block-vote democracy…rather like their sworn enemies, the neoliberal economists – and neocon enthusiasts for a Strong EU determined not to let The People get in the way of its Divine Vision.

This gives secret EU-hater Jeremy Corbyn yet more problems when it comes to the now indecipherable nature of Labour Party policy on Brexit. While the Liberal Democrats remain unequivocally clarety, the Corbynista Left lacks clarity, having embraced an eclectic Brexit policy to appease every opinion. This is because there are exactly the same number of Labour voter groups as there are opinions on the way ahead re this one.

I predict that Labour will go into the next election with a Brexit policy that nobody (least of all its MPs) can understand or post-rationalise.

Finally, you heard it here first: tomorrow will be Tuesday. I can categorically promise without fear of contradiction that Tuesday will take place. Senior public figures will be let off serious crimes, bankers will do illegal things, 90% of all journalists will knowingly write lies, Russia will be demonised, the EU will be lionised, milk will be pasteurised, and most citizen views will be ignored.

As for the weather….well, quite frankly squire, your guess is as good as mine.