In a first for blogging today, Holiday Mode Slog presents a Two-for-One special offer. The first half of this post is aimed at the 12% of voters in the UK still undecided about Brexit, and looking for sound rather than fantasy reasons to make one decision or another. The second half is a merciless parody of the hyperventilating hypocrisy of the high-ground being occupied by highly suspect high-profile hyperbole among the ranks of the High Treasonists in our midst.

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It is eighty years today since the outbreak of the Second World War. Perhaps spooky, then, that we appear to be on the brink of another civil war in the UK.

My homeland intervened twice during the last century in order to try and save Europe from itself. It cost us 1.2 million lives through direct enemy action. We also took part “in order to protect our interests” but after the Second War we were bankrupt.

Britain paid more in lendlease repayments to its ally the US than Germany paid in reparations to us. The French government as a whole capitulated in 1940, leaving us to face the Nazis alone. General De Gaulle never once said thank you to the British Government for his wartime safe haven and the Britih sacrifices on D-Day.

Those two nations France and Germany now run the EU largely for their own benefit. They crucified Greece in order to save their banks, stitched Switzerland in order to begin fruitless QE, and destroyed the Cypriot economic model to protect Luxembourg’s tax evasion business. In the 44 years since the UK joined the EEC (having been given firm promises that a United States of Europe would never be the objective), we have made a trade loss 43 times, and seen the EEC become the EC and then the EU. Before the 2016 Brexit referendum, we were reassured that there were no plans for an EU army. Now an EU army is being openly formed by Signora Federica Mogherini, a woman who spends most of her time at NATO strategy meetings.

The power in the EU lies in the unelected European Commission, which directs all policy and has never had a major policy voted down by the elected European Parliament. It has had three referendums turned down by The People, but carried on to bring the content into law anyway. One senior member of that commission, Guy Verhofstadt, has serially insulted Britain, Hungary, Greece and Italy along with his equally corrupt ally, Martin Schulz. Both men failed to declare massive personal interests in Greece. Neither was ever censured.

Christine LaGarde is about to take over at the European Central Bank; she has a long history of fiscal incompetence and poor forecasts, and was found guilty of large-scale fraud in France earlier this year. She too has escaped censure. During the illegal bullying of Greece during 2014, Bank of Greece head Yannis Stournaris conspired with ECB head Mario Draghi to cut off liquidity to the Greek Government that had defied the EU and enjoyed the full suppot of the electorate. Draghi himself has persistently ignored rules that insist statistics on eurozone liquidity, foreign investment, holdings by national bank and ECB-National Bank trading should be published.

Yet, at the last formal count, 48% of UK electors felt we should stay in the EU. Had the Youth vote turned up, Remain would’ve won comfortably. Since that time, endless spurious arguments about voting rights and campaigns of fear about No Deal Brexit have poured from 90% of Britain’s MSM titles. They have almost entirely been proved false, rejected at law, and gradually – tooth by painful tooth – been extracted by further British and EU legislation.

Both the Conservatives and Labour promised en masse to honour the Referendum result. Figures since involved in the multiple attempts to rubbish the result have lied, contradicted themselves, and played the card of ‘avoidance of disaster’ in “the national interest”. The European Union I empirically describe here is bereft of any real semblance of constitutional observance, the Rule of Law, and obeisance to the democratic will of its citizens. It has also pulled every trick in the book to disguise its parlous fiscal and economic state.

We now have a Prime Minister whose sole value (to me at least) is that he claims he will tear up Therea May’s spineless “deal”, and follow through what was the default option of a No Deal Brexit. Today, the same wreckers are gung-ho to bring down Boris Johnson and stop him doing that….despite 80% of them having agreed to it two and a half years ago.

Brass neck production output has obviously been at full speed ahead in the United Kingdom since early 2017.

The reason why such necks might still win this very dirty game is simple – and oft-repeated here in past columns: the inability of either the Tories or The Brexit Party to work together in the best interests of their supporters.

We shall see what we shall see. But my very strong suspicion is that what we are most likely to see is the Conservative Party tearing itself limb from limb during a General Election in which Farage’s Army will get nowhere near enough votes to present a viable counterbalance to Momentum Labour.

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There is something darkly and yet deliciously funny in the behaviour of those who have spent the last three years predicting No Deal chaos now trying to create multivariate chaos in order to avoid No Deal chaos. Clearly, there must be a qualitative difference between the two.

I suspect, in fact, that childlike followers of the Pied Piper of Hammondolin think that their version of chaos is in the European interest….and the bigger the interest, the better.

The Piper himself explains:

 “Now look here, this is all terribly simple. Most of the travails of we who know better than you are caused by the Poor being allowed to vote. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond our control, the Poor are more numerous than they used to be, and so we of the intellectual classes must come together in the Multicultural interest and join with those MPs influential among the Poor to persuade them that remaining in the European Union is entirely in their interests, in that they will be free to move about and get paid three quarters of very little as opposed to having no job at all.”

Offering a similar view for the differently intelligent in our society is world-renowned philupisthrope and flogger of fags to the fuzzie-wuzzies, Kenneth Quark.

Quarks have various intrinsic properties, including huge mass and an uncanny ability to spin candy floss from fibreglass:

 “Some of you may have noticed that I am uncommonly fat. This is a rare genetic complaint which I bear with great and unadvertised fortitude, but sadly it has now spread to my head, and so I am bound (in the time left to me) to beg you – all of you out there of good and generously misplaced faith – to live up to your destiny and support all those things that wicked Leavers claim to be unsupportable. If we don’t stop this Russian agent Boris Johnson – the clue’s in his Christian name – then massive hordes of Russian barbarians will storm across this, our beloved European Union of sensitively recycled humans, apple mountains and insolvent banks…..raping and pillaging and drunkenly weaving their way to Bangor and even beyond oh my God it’s going to be awful, imagine all those vulgar Vodka Palace owners zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”.

Today we had Tory MP Hotlips Leek very publicly defecting to the not entirely liberal and anti-democratic Liberal Democrats. In a carefully stage-managed manoeuvre, as Boris Johnson began an opening statement, Leek walked across the floor of the Commons chamber, sitting down on the Lib Dem benches next to Jane Dodds, the newly sworn in MP for Brecon and Radnorshire….who would not be an MP if Nigel Farage had even a scintilla of electoral nous.

In an inclusive interview, Leek (seen left with his new best friend Caroline Clueless) told The Slog:

“Although a confirmed Remainer and convicted idiot, I vowed after the Referendum to accept the verdict of the People and work terribly hard to deliver the surrender version of Brexit that they always wanted, because although not many people know this, I am a visitor from the Andromeda Galaxy and can read electoral minds at the rate of 17.4 million a minute. Also five years ago I added an amendment to the Immigration Bill calling for migrants with Hepatitis B and HIV to be barred from entering Britain, as part of my long-standing and unshakeable belief in freedom of movement unless somebody offers me tons of money in a tax haven to believe something else”.

But no survey of Where We Aren’t would be complete without an updated pen-picture of the Left Speaker in the archaic House of Commons stereo system, Mr John Bellicose. Ever since “referee” Bellicose took up the Chair, the Right Speaker has consistently failed to function, suggesting fairly strongly that Little John was the Wrong choice in the first place.

I could do little better than let the small and imperfectly malformed JB speak for himself:

 “As I think I have made eminently clear in recent times, I have it within my power to squeeze the Boris Johnson scrotal sac, and naturally this shall be undertaken in a traditionally neutral manner. That is to say, no favour whatsoever will be shown to either his left or right bollock.

“Now I know all these hifalutin’ constitutional experts have said periodic adjournment motions of proroguation are not normally amendable, but as I defied this convention and allowed Tory MP Dominic Grieve to amend such a motion last January, they can all fuck off and die. For I and only I the All-Powerful Dictatorship of the Speakertariat am in charge here, and mere MPs, Prime Ministers, Queens and Judges are but easily squashed little grubs beneath my ruthless grey Hush Puppies”.

That’s it for now. I had hoped to include statements from David Lammy and Owen Jones, but the former lowered the tone, and the latter became strangled by syntaxical clichés. He did, however, have this to say on the subject of HotLips Leek:

I love OJ Wimpson’s outbursts of trendy principle, but he will of course side with all those dreadful Yellow Party people when it comes to defying The People.

Twas ever thus.