Mucho macho Senor Big Boris Jaunson’s plans to be the one man with one vote in Britentina were dealt a severe blow yesterday when scheming power behind the throne Evita Simones hit El Presidente very hard on el bonço with a rolling pin, and then fired twenty-eight staff including the cat. Could this be Evita’s shock bid to become La Presidenta?

Generalissimo Dominic Cummingué fled in terror as Juanson lay flattened in the kitchen, his body covered in blood from a one millimetre scratch in his earlobe.

Tonight, not quite attractive enough Diario Telégrafo suprema bint Camilla Tominey asks ‘Who runs the country?’, to which the better informed among us answer, “Well, probably none of this lot”.

Sources close to Buenos Tories had no idea. “Search me,” said 1922 Committee boss Gammona Bradégo, “I always assumed it was either MI6, NATO or Brussels, but now I’m confused. It’s important to bear in mind of course that I just clean the windows here”.

Meanwhile, Britentina’s first robot-produced newspaper Los Tiempos ignored the story in favour of a soaringness among 80 year old cases found in millions of left-luggage offices. The paper’s owner – 89-year-old headcase Rupito Mundo – blamed Pommie toffs for the crisis, adding that if the allegations against Joe Biden voting fraud were proven, he would be right behind Donald Trump.

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