Attacking the toenails of Covidiocy with the mordant cynicism of garden shears, The Slog wades through the recycling station Georgian-green cess of contradictory Coronavirus claptrap, and claws his way up from the depths of whisked metaphors towards the uplands of sanity, only to find thick grey clouds of obfuscation pissing down acrid nonsense upon the head of Reason as the ricketty biplane of State pulls along a banner promising If you wash your hands to stay safe, we’ll wear masks to save face. Enjoy the freedom to laugh while you still can.
The world of viral deadliness and very very safe vaccination was shaken to its core this morning as World Class experts modelled new types of Coronavirus strain at Flat C, 93 Stonewall Villas Walsall, 15 George Floyd Cuttings Dagenham, and the Antifa Unity Collective in Seattle USA.
“There is no doubt,” said sources close to desperation, “that we are turning the corner and winning this battle against the greatest threat to reality since Big Bang, but it seems highly likely that we shall all be wearing masks forever – and cursing the day that we trusted Russian leader Rasputin and his evil creature Trumpo ‘Rapist’ McDonald”.
Globalist detergent manufacturer Proctor & Gamble immediately announced a newly segmented range of handwash gels available in seven fragrances – South African Redbush, Brazilian Mango, London Armpit, Wuhan Wetfish, Manchester Raindrop, Spanish Flue and Seattle Smoke.
Head of the US Center for Disease Control Dr Antonichrist Faustus commented, “It’s beginning to look like our strategy of weakening Covid19 by turning it into Covid7.9billion is working well to ensure that the philanthropic Pharmaceutical space will be kept busy matching swab results and symptomology and flogging rigorously tested experimental not-very-vaccines from now until the sun is a red dwarf in approximately 17 billion years time”.
But plucky British Health Minister Mateus Rosé (left) was clearly feeling in the pink, taking a different line. “I hope that Covid-19 will become a treatable disease by the end of the year,” Mr Halfcock told The Dreary Twinnygraph, “New treatments will be important in turning Covid from a pandemic that affects all of our lives into another illness that we have to live with, like we do flu. That’s where we need to get Covid to over the months to come, but none of us should forget that without these vaccines we would all have died at least twice and the nightmare isn’t over just yet, oh no, everyone should remain vigilant, and preferably become vigilantés ripping the heads off all those domestic terrorists dicing with death by not wearing masks. Chiefly however, we should all give thanks to me, put my statue at the top of that tall thingy in Trafalgar Square, and rename it Han’s Cock.”
Hastily crossing his legs at this point while emitting an odd mewing sound, the Minister concluded, “the world’s most innovatively risky new and expensive drugs will soon be fast-tracked through clinical trials on anyone failing to socially distance or fight back. We have already approved two drugs, Dexamethasone and Tocilizumab – which together can lower the risk of death in the most ill patients by around 40 per cent….almost half the effectiveness of Ivermectin or HCQ and only three times more expensive, which is very impressive. Yes, thanks to me, Covid-19 will become a treatable disease by the end of this year.”
Torygraph politics expert Ben Toady-Smith then gently pointed out that, on this basis, the virus had been a treatable disease at the start of last year. He was thrown out by two MI6 biowarfare mutants and has not been seen since. We are anxious as to his whereabouts, especially as he owes the editor a fiver.
It’s now official: 99 per cent of the British People are completely tonto, according to new ONS data showing that only 1 per cent of the population have turned down vaccination against Covid19 so far. A spokesperson observed, “Very little persuasion was required once people were told that their homes would be confiscated and their passports stamped ‘UNCLEAN’ if they refused vaccination against the virus”.
But now a new controversy has been tossed into the mix by professional whistle-blower Rufus Tile.
“It’s clear to me,” Mr Tile began, “that these vaccines supposedly against Covid19 in fact have nothing against the virus at all, in fact they are positively supportive of it: they don’t stop transmission and they don’t guarantee you can’t get the virus again. I don’t think we really know whose side they’re on.”
Tile (who is an FA referee) demanded an immediate bribery inquiry into whether FC Astrazenica’s top striker MaRhiNAro had been nobbled by spies from either SmithKline Rovers or Sanofi St Germain.
Vivacious blonde nurse Doris Jobsdone (36-56-48) weighed into Tile during her Saturday Matinée press conference at 11 am today.
“Look here,” she insisted, “These people are all nuts and just a shower of Poppinjay left-wingers trying to pass the ball inside because they haven’t got the bottle to dribble round the full-back and pull it back so our star man Matt Buzzcock can head it into the net and be over the moon or something like that. It is perfectly clear that these vaccines are absolutely safe, and not some ‘kill or cure’ quack remedy. Our incoming data shows quite clearly that they might kill a few unlucky blighters, but they don’t cure anyone, let’s be absolutely clear about that”.
Rufus blew his whistle and ruled Doris offside. The case continues.
As part of Matt’s new streamlined, fast-tracking NHS systems, figures released yesterday show nearly 225,000 Brits have waited more than 12 months for routine hospital treatment thanks to the Covid panic. This is the highest number since 2008, when 350,000 bankers threw themselves out of high-rise office windows as they bade farewell to the New Paradigm. But none of this is enough for Neil ‘Shagger’ Ferguson, who’s been galumphing around from one Trot to another in the media all week opining that the autumn lockdown came too late and the winter one is going to end too quickly. He’s absolutely determined to cram as many folks as he can into the Halfcock fast-track, which is a bit previous of Feelgood Fergie given the latest PHE study shows that 2 in 5 people in hospital with Covid were fine before they went into hospital.
No doubt Manflu will rise once more to the occasion and observe, “Statistics show that the new NHS streamlining produces Covid victims at twice the pace of any other country….proof once more that Britain leads the way”.
Don’t rule it out.
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The Slog 