As the dark valleys of Not My President recede – and Sheepy Joe leads us all gratefully and loyally into the sunny uplands of comforting conformity – The Slog dutifully records the progress so far in this, a new Administration addicted to its slogan: Yes we can build back better healing by vapourising division.
Vatican sanctifies President posthumously on basis of absolutely guaranteed genuine shot of Biden halo
As conspiranoid insurrectionists bombarded the internet with extensively exaggerated stories suggesting that the POTUS died of shock on Election Night, Pope Obama XXIV went slightly off-message today and declared Joseph Biden Jr’s sanctification as St Joseph The Inappropriate to be “posthumous”. The announc…
[Can I get a ferkin’ word in, it’s Blinken here an’ I wanna know the ferk who is responsible for this Snafu I mean like get the ferk real, the plan was one we get Obama elected Pope two he blesses the halo shot an’ three Joe dies in a tragic flying accident see later trust me someone’s ass is gonna burn in Hell for this…..]
{Hi Anthony, this is on a live site from some two-bit Limey who is due a car accident very soon, so do please shut the ferk up an’ leave it ter me. Come over later so we can discuss this horizontally, Kamala x}
HIGHWAY COLLISIONS UP 70% AS BIDEN ROLLS OUT NEW COVID BODY MASK
CLAMPDOWN ON VERY SILLY NAIVETY AS SECRETIVE ANTI-WAR GROUP CONDEMNED AS NON-VIOLENT EXTREMISTS
Biden reverses ‘unstable’ Trump foreign policy by bombing Syria in controlled response to Iran bombing US presence in Iraq
Ambassador Treen from the planet Spock expressed his view this afternoon that – since visiting Sun3 Planet 800,000 year ago – he was not over-impressed with bald monkey’s progress. “I don’t understand why directional dyslexia is still endemic among the Upright Apes,” he observed, adding, “Just what the fuck is the point here? Even in our most dumb-assed all fours period on Spock, when attacked from the East we did not retaliate to the West. Can anyone help me with this?”
U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken immediately offered Treen some assistance. He declared last Wednesday that China is “the only country with the economic, diplomatic, military, and technological power to seriously challenge the stable and open international system — all the rules, values, and relationships that make the world work the way we want it to.” But he also said that the State Department would follow President Biden’s direction to ‘lead with diplomacy’.
Ambassador Treen left a one-line protonmail to say ‘I’ll be back in 5095 to see how things are going”.
President Biden later urged Congress to pass the Patriotic Lead with Diplomatic Aerial Death Act.
Biden’s Redesigned Air Force One flies for first time
In one of many signs that America’s rejection of all things Trumpian is paying dividends, the White House this morning revealed that from here on, the POTUS will use a wingless flying tanker as Air Force one. “This will reduce it’s carbon footprint by a factor of thirteen,” Kamala Harris told a press briefing, “and be sonic-boom free given its top speed of not many nautical miles per day. I’d love to travel on it myself, but the President and I cannot of course fly on it at the same time in case there was some kind of unfortunate accident leading to a tragic oil spillage which then burst into flames”.
It also adds a new word to the language, planker. The protoype will be named Bidenburg.
Later, the head of CDC (Center for Disinformation Control) Dr Antifa Faustus launched the long-awaited National Healing Program by first of all showing the extent of the damage left behind by four, long deadly years of Trumptonic stress:
Releasing never-before-seen aerial shots of a gigantic split down the Western side of the United States, Dr Faustus told astonished reporters, “This giant crack began to appear shortly after the imposter Trump was illegally inaugurated in 2017. He has of course come up with a paranoid theory that it was all San Andrea’s fault, but without producing any evidence to back up the claim apart from a 9,000 page affidavit which all sane social geologists have dismissed as unworthy of their perusal”.
The CDC boss then gave the floor to his assistant Guiseppe Pharmafia, who explained, “We are turning this into a full-ongoing win-win space by knocking down Trump’s racist wall and then infilling the giant crack with the rubble thus created”.
Lady Gaga then came on to sing I left my head in San Francisco, following which axe-wielding Black pacifist Reverend B. L. Matter Jr said “We propose to see to it that only white slave labour is involved in this huge project, and that every last worker wears a placard saying how sorry they are.”
And so, in summation…..
The Slog 