Everyone’s a crook in Cool Britannia

There was a time when the Tories said they were going to make Trust a central issue in the General Election. Infidelity would have been oh so easy to evidence in relation to the Government; but then the leadership got embroiled in infighting – and fending off the daily fibbing machine that is Lord Mandelson. And worrying about people catching them out.

However, one suspects that even had this plan come to fruition, the Conservatives would have stopped after nailing the other two Parties…or even just Culpability Brown. This is partly because their optical range rarely gets beyond the Palace of Westminster – but also because had they singled out every crooked UK institution for attention, they would’ve alienated almost every elector in the country.

Yesterday, the watchdog Postcom was pondering legal action against Royal Mail – after finding that quality tests had been rigged, that addresses involved in testing deliveries in some areas had been passed on to staff, and that staff had also learned to recognise and prioritise the mailpieces undergoing analysis. Thus they could ensure they arrived on time…delivering (if nothing else) that ‘97% thr next day’ guff none of us have ever believed anyway.

The police have been caught lying about (and switching) crime statistics seven times in the last fifteen years.

Most GPs now routinely fob patients off with cheaper medication (which they know to offer inferior efficacy) so they can take advantage of expenditure reduction bonuses.

Last week, The Slog’s one set of Stafford revelations alone uncovered graft, forgery, false witness, FOI request obstruction, undercover government workers posing as ordinary citizens, crooked psychiatrists, and four separate perjury instances – in one County Council care sector alone.

Both the Daily Telegraph and the Guardian have, since 2006, uncovered eight instances of falsified claims and statistics emanating from the Ministry of Health. These ranged from mixed-sex wards to the percentage of NHS staff directly involved in medical intervention.

Faced by the Chilcot Inquiry and the world’s media nine days ago, Gordon Brown told three separate lies about armed forces support expenditure during the Iraq War, and misled the Panel on two further issues. I am quite happy to write this without fear of legal retaliation, as the MoD’s own website proves every word. (Apologies to regular readers who are now sick of seeing this link).

Every footballer and football manager lies about crucial refereeing decisions, drug test amnesia, getting other players sent off, and winning World Cups with the illegal use of a hand.

No ordinary citizen – no CEO or top Mandarin for that matter – can trust anything said to them by the authorities today. Tony Blair lied to Sir Roderic Lyne about WMD, lied to Clare Short about his war aims, and almost certainly lied to Chilcot about his secret correspondence with George Bush.

The Tory HQ is lying about the lack of dissension at the top over election strategy. Google is lying about passing user names on to third parties. Number Ten’s press office has been caught lying so many times now, there isn’t a lobby correspondent left who believes a word the buggers say. David Miliband lied about MI6 involvement in torture in three separate Courtrooms (through proxies) and himself to the Commons.

Newscorp is blatantly lying about its involvement in phone-taps. Piers Morgan is lying when he says nothing in the Brown interview was scripted. Lord Ashton lied about changing from nondom status. Lord Paul lied about his expenses. Even bloody Blue Peter’s kiddie competitions were bent.

The Lehman lawyers are bent, their accountants are bent, Boris Johnson’s personal assistant was bent, 243 MPs were caught out being bent, the Catholic Church was bent, BBC phone-ins were bent, and very probably most of the Council officers in Britain are bent. The Queen is straight, though. We know this because apparently some kids thought she’d invented the telephone, and she was jolly quick to come clean and admit she had nothing to do with it.

You see, that’s the thing with making government, politics, the media and business a question of trust: apart from the Monarch, none of them dare do it, because they’re all equally depraved. Every accusation made would be a hostage to fortune – and they know it.*

So this Election won’t be about Trust. It will be outside the governing classes, but not within its feather-bedded boudoirs. Outside where the real people live – the ones the pollsters talk to – it’s clear that for around 45% of the electorate, it’s about expressing their disgust by not voting at all.

“People have temporarily lost their trust in politicians” said David Cameron at the turn of the year. Rubbish: the British people have lost their trust in government institutions, the media, public figures, and every statistic they’re offered.

* For the time being, The Slogger is prepared to make Denis Skinner, David Davies, Vince Cable, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and one or two others an exception to this general rule.