“…and this is Gordon, he’s going to be living with you for a while….”

Nick Clegg told the media he thinks Gordon Brown is delusional and David Cameron is flakey, and he still hasn’t made his mind up either which one to support or why. Cuts that were going to be ‘savage’ six months ago should now be delayed, said Nick. Gordon and David said they thought Mr Clegg was a very nice chap indeed….and then Nick said (having stoked it all up) ‘let’s cool all this coalition talk’…give me strength…meanwhile, Dave and his other ‘friend’ George Osborne appear to have cracked dwarf gags at the expense of French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Not even David Miliband has done that yet…..Having been caught nicking thirty-eight grand, billionaire Lord Paul has paid it all back – and so now he is a jolly good fellow, and not at all like that nasty international gangster Lord Ashcroft….Jack Straw is set to unveil plans for an elected 300-seat House of Lords, despite nobody having the faintest idea what it will do…..three in four voters think New Labour has wasted much of the money invested in the NHS. The other one was waiting for surgery, and therefore unwilling to comment….the Work and Pensions Minister Yvette Cooper is to unveil plans allowing lots of people to work more flexibly, and 3.5 million to be doing no work at all….For the first since we realised Gordon does effing and blinding, there was widespread approval of it, as he was talking to Lady Ashton at the time…..In a bid to lose eight stone for charity, Unite’s political director, Charlie Whelan, has said that he will canvass up to 100,000 Unite members in 90 marginals, and stitch up anyone criticising Gordon Brown or Jack Dromey….A weighty study of two and a half years of Gordon Brown as PM has been sidelined. The would-be author Suzie Mackenzie told the publishers she would not be handing in the manuscript on its due date, and was instead taking six months off to visit Bali on a Saragord Travel package….Greece was bailed out of its deficit crisis yesterday afternoon, and then tossed back into it again when the Germans said they knew nothing about it and don’t forget, you all have relatives in Germany….

And finally, inviting direct comment from voters in Stourbridge for the BBC’s Politics Show, Gordon Brown was informed by former Labour voter James Sage, “Events are going to overwhelm you and you’re going to be swept away”.