NEW RESEARCH SAYING WE ARE MORE INTERESTED IN COOKING THAN THE FRENCH CONTAINS MORE HOLES THAN A COLANDER.

Half a page of the Guardian’s international section today was devoted to research which, the paper declared, had given the French culinary reputation ‘a bashing’. It didn’t actually do anything of the sort, because Gallic food’s uniqueness lies primarily in its restaurant cuisine, a subject about which nothing and nobody was asked anything. But even putting this minor quibble to one side, the research makes so many Page One howlers, they need to be addressed before yet another myth becomes history as she was wrote.

The survey (or sondage as we Francophiles are wont to call such things) was conducted by the Figaro’s female section, and was statistically sound in that 2,350 Rosbifs and Frogs were interviewed. From then onwards, it’s gruyere cheese from end to end.

First up was the revelation that whereas only 59% of French women cook at home daily, 72% of English women do. There’s a very good reason for this: in France you can get a four-course lunch for 11 Euros – half the price of the UK, and infinitely better quality…with no tip required. A huge number of the French eat lunch out.

Further, there’s an important reason why French women on average are slimmer than us: they tend to eat less in the evenings. Many French families have no evening meal at all apart from fruit. Salad with cheese is a common selection. As you may have spotted, none of that requires cooking.

And then we’re told that twice as many Anglaises spend over half an hour on the process compared to their Francaises equivalents. This probably means they’re not as proficient, and is no guide at all to the quality of the resultant repast. Speaking as the statutory sample of one, I have yet to find any English cook, for instance, who can match the French for patisserie.

But then Le Fig hits us with the clincher: twice as many Britettes make their own bread compared to les Coquettes. Well, if you had a highly-skilled baker making fresh baguettes and pain de campagne thirty yards away twice a day including Sundays, would you buy a bread machine? Quite.

I do not doubt that the French underrate our cooking skills. And in these days of national obsession with pretentious food, the British are rather better than the French at telling fetta cheese from fettucini. But if you want to know who really cares about the quality of ingredients, go to a French fishmonger, cheese specialist, butcher or supermarket. Watch how they handle the veg, listen as they discuss the cuts of meat, and the freshness of the fish.

English women feed their families better than the French? Don’t make me laugh.

The Slogger will be back in France from next Monday. This will cause some interruption to normal bollocks deconstruction.