I woke up this morning (cue blues guitar riff) and it was piddling down and grey for the third day in a row. I switched on the radio to listen to the news. Alistair Darling (said Moira Stewart) is going to present a Budget to stimulate the economy. ‘How do you know?’ I thought.

The next item opined that ‘passive’ smoking is now a danger to children in parks, cars and playgrounds. Not if they don’t light up, it isn’t…but anyway, the Royal College of Sawbones want it banned there. The final gem announced a ban on using electric collars to train dogs in Wales. What a good job ours are in France, otherwise we’d face a – hold your breath – £20,000 fine.

To paraphrase what the News of the World used have on its masthead, All British Life was there.

Deconstructing the bollocks on this trio of madness, Alistair Darling is not going to present an economy-stimulating Budget this afternoon, because (a) £7 billion couldn’t stimulate the economy of Rwanda and (b) there isn’t enough private sector economy to make any difference at the moment.

The idea that passive smoking can be a danger to kids in parks is silly beyond belief. I have read the data on passive smoking. I’ve read it all the way through, because I had professional reasons for doing so at the time. It is at best poorly interpreted, and at worst flakey. The idea that nicotine smoke could harm anyone in 10 billion atmospheres of air is…oh, never mind. In playgrounds…well, teachers shouldn’t smoke in front of kids anyway, but why ban it? How big a problem can that possibly be…and if I’m wrong on that, why don’t we just fire the teachers for being so insanely crass? And as for cars…it’s the final step on Nanny’s long road to our homes. How will it be enforced – cameras in the cars? It wouldn’t surprise me.

The ‘reason’ for the RCS wanting this ban (and by the way, not being physicians, what the blue smoke would they know about it?) is because ‘smoking-related child conditions create an extra 30,000 GP visits a year’. Very impressive: could we see the evidence, please? I just do not know how any person can relate hearsay evidence given by patients to overpaid GPs to one specific cause – and then extrapolate that result. Frankly, it’s rubbish.

As I say constantly and ad nauseam, never ever let doctors anywhere near a moral or social question about anything: they can’t see beyond the end of their stethoscopes.

Finally, training animals with ‘electric collars’ as dear Moira put it this morning – how could I possibly argue against banning them? How could I possibly even think such a thing?

That’s easy. First of all, the collars aren’t electric: they’re normal collars capable of picking up a tiny electrical charge. (Like you or I putting our fingers on a cow wire.) Second, you don’t hit the poor little buggers with a shock, you train them to listen for the warning that comes before the shock. If your animal is unlucky, it will forget just once and get a small zap. It won’t do it again. “It hurts” said the prat from the RSPCA this morning. I’d imagine it does sunbeam, but then life hurts. “Would you train your children like this?” the idiot added. No, because animals aren’t children. Did I smack my children? Yes. Did it hurt? I hope so. Did it scar them for life? Of course it didn’t, you wazzock, and who is this imaginary person I’m talking to?

Finally, fear and only fear will stop a terrier from straying if it sees anything furry and moving. Their lives are based on fear, because they are thinly disguised wild animals, not anthropomorphic toys for New Labour women. In France, if my terriers leave our land and are shot by the farmer, I will have no redress whatsoever – and quite right too: they don’t want their lambing sheep terrorised by my dogs. And I don’t want my dogs shot, because that would be more painful emotionally that putting my finger on a bloody cow-wire. Give me strength.

Now I have a chum and mentor who will, I know, lambast me after reading this, because it will seem to him intemperate blogging not journalism. But on this occasion, I would beg to differ. I am sick to death of having my liberties eroded by ignorant half-wits who want to be prison warders but lack the bottle, and/or disciplinarian teachers – but lack any of the inspirational skills required. These (and a Caledonian village solicitor barely able to master conveyancing) are removing every last vestige of wealth, personal responsibility, judgemental decision-making and freedom from everyone equipped with a decent upbringing and a brain in this country.

You want to ban something? Fine – let’s ban them. (Note to Libertarians: that was a gag).