The Business Minister’s running fantasy distractions get sillier by the day.

I need someone to explain to me where the idea of a Tory plan to raise VAT came from. I also need to have this ‘same old Tory idea’ thing clarified. Lest we forget, the Tories abolished Purchase Tax all those years ago. Which crisis was it exactly that the Conservative Party ‘exploited’ by raising VAT? Only, I’m a political historian by discipline, and this latest Mandyism has me foxed.

Lord Mandelson’s failing grip on reality needs to be audited by somebody. Perhaps the National Audit Office(NAO) could oblige, although to be fair to them they’ve got their hands full at present fighting off bent data from Peter the Great’s Department. So perhaps I can help.

So far since Lord M’s return, we’ve had:

1. The plot by the Daily Telegraph to create the perception of wrongdoing over Parliamentary expenses so hugely exploited by, um, Lord M’s Party.
2. The plot by David Cameron and James Murdoch to undermine the independence of the BBC so entirely compromised by, um, Lord M.
3. The conspiracy to make Lord Ashdown even more influential in the Tory Party than Unite and, um, the Peer Lord M is in the Labour Party. And now
4. The secret Tory plan to raise VAT and thus drag Britain back into a recession exacerbated by, um, Lord M’s new best friend Gordon the Greatest Chancellor of all time.

What next, we wonder – the scenario wherein a degenerate, unelected ermine-freak (fresh from yet another boys, watches and bums-for-influence scandal as EU Rough Trade Minister) hypnotises a whole nation into believing that an autistic psycho is The Leader We Need?

My own view is that this is all the work of Far Left former Young Gay Communists and their friends in Unite. But I could be mistaken.