This man stands accused of trying to have it away with six billion quid. We know this, because the Prime Minister has told us that this evil paying-fielder can’t wait to get his hands on the six billion, and steal it from the economy. Seventeen times he’s told us this since PMQs nine hours ago, and we should expect there to be many more compulsive mentions of the number until Gordon ups his medication again. 17 x 6 billion = 102 billion, which is the number of kids divided by 1000 that Gordon Brown has lifted out of poverty, and the number of economists divided by a billion who think Alistair Darling is right about delaying spending cuts – or put another way, twice the number of businessmen who think George Osborne is right about increases in National Insurance.

The Prime Minister has started the election campaign the way he started his disastrous term in Office: always coming up with numbers. Nobody knows where they come from, what they’re based on or even why they’ve been used, but for Gordon the Rain Man, they are vital for his stability. They rarely check out, they always mislead – and somehow, they promise so much while delivering nothing: nobody, for instance, has the foggiest idea where the PM got his six billion number from.

For four years now I’ve been calling Brown the One-Eyed Trouser Snake, but the time is ripe for Change. Everyone says it is: real change, profound change, change we can believe in, big change, all change, and change you know will be fair to all in a changed future.

So my contribution to change at the start of the election is to give Gordon a new name: the One-Armed Bandit. Think about it: it’s perfect. Lots of numbers come up whenever you put money it, but nothing ever comes back. And like the inveterate gambler who’s piled tons of coins into Gordon, we’re vaguely attracted to his call of “Don’t change the machine now – you just know the minute you do, it’ll pay out”.

Also, it’s a machine, just like Gordon. It’s covered in lots of tempting, winning numbers – 333, 666, 555, 222, 212, 111…so many in fact, that in the end (one thinks) putting money in the slot must produce the right combo. But it never does.

And it’s beginning to look like most people have got Mr Brown’s number. His number’s up, he’s in the Number Twos, and his days are numbered: for Public Enemy Number One, the numbers racket is over. We’ve run out of small change to put in the One-Armed Bandit. And I’ve run out of epithets about numbers.

So all hopes must now be pinned on the Six Billion Pound Man. Gordon says Cameron’s going to steal the wonga, but Dave says he’s going to give it to lots of Arabs, Chinese and JP Morgans we owe money. There’s a swashbuckling part of me that would rather Cameron did nick the swag, and use it to become The Crimson Toff, sailing round the world and robbing lots of gold-laden ships sailing from South Africa to China. But he seems a level-headed chap, so on the whole I’m inclined to disbelieve Mr Brown’s charge of impending theft.

The trouble is, neither bloke seems to have the remotest idea or strategy up their suspiciously loose sleeves about how we can get back to making more money to give the rest of the £800 billion we owe back to all these ghastly nouveaux-riches foreigners. Which is why we need to keep our ears open for any get-rich-quick schemes that emerge during the course of the campaign.

Next time: Painting Vince Cable by numbers.