Before we go any further on this review, let me state right now that it is by definition invalid, because I managed to survive the first two audience questions, and then switched the telly off.

To all those who didn’t bother to tune in at all, I can only say this: good call.

The tableau began with a brief, set-piece monologue from each of the players. Nick Clegg pledged to abolish the second-hand political sector: old politics would become a thing of the past. From now on, he insisted, everything about Liberal Democrat government would be new. Even the old commitment to proportional representation had been done away with, he didn’t insist.

Gordon Brown promised a future fair for all, in which everyone would have double-dip ice cream and live happily ever after, and the police would be protected from all those nasty criminals.

And David Cameron said he wanted Britain to do better by being a bigger society with a smaller Government. Henceforth, Britain would have a population of eighty million, and nobody in the Cabinet would be above 5’6″ tall.

Question 1: What are you going to do about immigration?

Brown pledged a ban on on chefs from outside the EU – and anyway, he lied, immigration was falling. Cameron seemed to suggest that people from outside the EU had added an enormous sense of rhythm to Britain, but the rhythm method wasn’t working, and so it was EU only from now on. Clegg said the other two talked tough about immigration, but he would restrict it to good immigrants only.

Question 2: What are you going to do about burglary?

Brown suggested that burglars were falling out of windows at a hitherto unprecedented rate. Cameron said he had been talking to a black man in Plymouth. And Clegg felt that the correlation between ASBOs and burglary was half the number it should be, or 3000 more police on the streets.

It was when the anecdotal ‘”I was at a petrol station” and “I was talking to a nurse” and “I was in a toilet importuning” got out of hand that I decided enough was enough. Blah drivel woffle Dundee Aberystwyth Leeds train squaddie pilot roadsweeper. Ordinary real change class size poverty fair help fragile cut growth bonus.

There was no sign at all that idea strategy honesty truth accountable leadership bottle was going to make an appearance, and as these are the things I and most people are interested in, it seemed a better use of my time to sit here and type something vaguely engaging for other people of sound mind.

I was about to close the laptop when I saw a tweet from Jon Sopel saying the whole thing had been far better than anyone could’ve expected. So it looks like the body-snatchers have got Jon too. Oh dear.