John Bercow continues to grab all the illicit help he can – and turn nasty at every opportunity – in order to ensure his safe return as Mr Speaker from the Buckingham election. But Nigel Farage is piling in with all hands to oust the only Parliamentarian more widely disliked than Gordon Brown.

Despite his alleged position as a neutral, Bercow is still using Conservative Association facilities and helpers – with the enthusiastic approval of the Cameroons, who would be appalled if the Faragists took the seat. But it’s a sign of desperation when the Speaker is reduced at hustings to charging popular Independent Candidate Patrick Philips with Thought Crime for shaking hands with a BNP worker – whom (I understand) he had no idea was working for the BNP. Good manners in these pc days are, it seems, less important than obeisance to the House of Correction.

The Sloop John B also seems to be inordinately sensitive about slurs relating to his Stalinist wife, a lady about whom rumours keep on surfacing, and then burrowing underground again. The Slog lacks detailed knowledge of this sensibility, but understands that previous careers might be involved.

However, one thing calming the Bercow panic is the knowledge that UKIP support appears to have plateaued. Although still boasting that ‘working class red-necks’ are supporting him in droves, there’s a lot more to the Buckingham constituency than overspill council estates. That Nigel Farage is canvassing well among those Labour voters the Prime Minister is fond of calling bigots cannot be denied; but there’s not a great deal of Labour vote left to collapse in this constituency.

Having recognised this, Mr Farage has ordered battalions of the faithful to be drafted in from outlying regions of the new British Empire. An additional complicating factor, however, is that Nige has to keep on dashing off to fill studio seats and radio mics due to the mysterious incapacity of Temporary Party Leader Lord Pearson. It seems that Lord P is suffering from Post Exposure to Real Voters Syndrome, or PERVS.

But the big disappointment in Bucks is the risible performance of Tory-Libdem-Pro-Anti-Europe Independent John Stevens. For despite having been endorsed by none other than Martin Bell, Mr Stevens is barely making a dent on anyone’s vote. And word reaches us here at Sloggers’ Roost to the effect that he may wind up only a few votes ahead of the Monster Raving Loonies.