It seems that during today, New Labour has been overwhelmed by grassroots LibDem wonks desperate to join its crusade against fascism. I’m sceptical about the thought of five million open-toed sandals merging with as many tight-fitting Paul Smith suits, but either way the need to demonise the Country Before Party Tendency remains ever-present.

The New Labour obsession with branding (I understand) has already resulted in a left-leaning, on-message, off-piste progressive think tank consultancy being hired to seek out the politically correct term for the ConLibDem coalition. The Slog is reliably informed that Gang of 357 Running-Dog Lickspittle Capitalist Lackeys is not in the running – although Ed Balls and George Galloway quite like it.

And so – as Boris Johnson would say – in a Samaritan spirit of objective assistance, The Slog herewith offers its own insights on this knotty issue.

The overriding consideration, I would contend, is that the Conservative Party should always be referred to as ‘Tories’ – in much the same way as George Bush might have dubbed pre-Blair Labour as ‘Commies’. It is, after all, vital for the survival of an irrelevant movement that it should have a bogeyman; otherwise, the idea of irrelevance might, as such, take root in the population.

In the previous three decades, the UK bogeyperson was Fatcha – but as the aged Baroness is now gaga and obviously harmless, it makes sense to return to the 1931 comfort zone still so dear to true Socialists. The definition of True Socialist being one who espouses visceral opposition to means testing, the rise of fascism, a finger laid on the NHS and a hand laid on Cuba, ‘Tories’ must ergo sum be at the centre of New Demon.

Equally however, a vital component of any self-respecting Spinmeister’s strategy must be to suggest that the Liberal Democrats have dome something worse than silly: they have in fact done something traitorous and on a par with Ramsay MacDonald’s spineless 1931 decision to work with the Running-Dog Lickspittle Capitalist that’s enough of that Ed, it’s time for your medication. So our new diabolic concoction must put the LibDem collaborators upfront.

It seems to me that there is but one candidate: DemTories.

Simplistic? Not at all: this is a noun that puts those nasty Labour defecting Social Democrats from 1984 in the firing line – those ‘Dems’ that Ed Balls simply cannot bring himself to mention – into the perfect prefix for the Devil’s spawn: the DemTories.

But at one and the same time, it can also be split into ‘Dem Tories’ – as in “It’s all the fault of Dem Tories innit?” This is surely the Twittering X-Factor generation’s version of ‘the cuts’: that instant explanation of everything awful about the 1979-89 decade so readily adopted by everyone from the local Council to Rock Against Racism.

Dem Tories done it. It’s all Dem Tories’ fault. It wuz all goin’ so well until Dem Tories came in.

I rest my case.