As far as I know, nobody else has thought of this wheeze – so pay attention, this could be the basis of your next pitch to foodiebooks.com.

Delia Smith and Jamie Oliver promise failsafe cooking. River Cafe and Prue Leith offer (along with 348 Johnnie-come-latelies) 5-star restaurant cooking at home. But what about the rest of us midway between boiling an egg and Cabillaud sur son lit du Python au jus de pied?

What we halfway-houses want to know is, when we’ve been too clever by half right, how do we salvage a disaster? There is an enormous opportunity for a cookbook called Raising the Titanic.

That’s as much free guidance as you get, beyond these four secrets of an accomplished culinary bluffer.

1. Always have Serrano ham and greens in the fridge. When that hollandaise egg starter comes out looking like a suspension of sea-horses, plonking delicious smoked meat onto a tossed salad always looks somehow carefree and clever at the same time.

2. For main courses, salt, soy sauce, mustard, bouquet garni, oregano, creme fraiche, tarragon and vegetable stock in powder form have saved many a cock-up.

3. For puddings, if all else fails, fold in some cream and add lots of sugar. You will be hailed forever afterwards as a genius in the kitchen.

4. If you’re uncertain about the main course, launch into the virtues of Aquavit when your guests arrive – and serve it with smoked mackerel. They won’t remember anything about the evening after that point.