You may wonder why scientists in Wisconsin feed Guinness to dogs (as indeed do I) but today comes the answer in the form of research suggesting that, if you are a dog, Guinness is good for you.

But only in moderation. Dogs who drink Guinness non-stop get very fat, fart venomously and die young. They’re called ‘Pub Dogs’, and they have been the subject of a study conducted throughout Britain by everyone since God was a boy.

They also fed a control sample of dogs (the ones in Wisconsin I mean) the same amount of lager – and they died younger.

Nobody thought to administer lager to dogs getting daily exercise living nowhere near The Horse & Hounds – but that’s alright, because another group of pointy-heads in London decided instead to be cruel to human beings, and make them exercise every day. Staggeringly, the exercisers looked younger and felt better, and the idle buggers drinking lager all day felt like shit and died at 50, or thereabouts. We still don’t know, unfortunately, whether being very fit and drinking Guinness is good for you.

Conducting my own study of these factors the other day, I went to a pub to observe some regulars watching an Irish rugger international while drinking Guinness. They were all very happy and very fat. Then I went to a nearby stadium and watched 22 young superfit men playing Premiership soccer. They all looked very thin and got very angry with all the officials about everything.

I drew two conclusions from this intensive, qualitative study. First, it seemed likely that the soccer pros were going to live longer than the rugger-buggers. But second, the pub crowd were probably going to enjoy their lives considerably more. Neither conclusion produced so much as a blip in my own blood pressure, because I knew all of this anyway. I think I’ve known it for, oh – must be, what? Fifty-five years?

The original Guinness slogan was based on ‘research’ conducted in the 1920s – which showed that, when asked if they felt better after a few pints of Guinness, people said yes, they certainly did. I call that effect Being Rather Pissed. I also call the research into question, as it was conducted by the Irish brewing firm of Guinness.

Anyway, to sum up: the anti-booze lobby is now in a tizzy because somebody has said something nice about alcohol. And couch potatoes everywhere feel either way about things really, because yet another piece of research suggests that theirs is not the best lifestyle if longevity is your goal, but on the other hand drinking Guinness might be better for them than Tennents Special Rising Pavements Brew.

To cap it all, following the fitness study a team member of the King’s College sedentary lifestyle study said “This conclusion provides a powerful message that could be used by clinicians to promote the potential anti-ageing effect of regular exercise.”

And if you believe that, you must be a researcher.