I think the ultimate laugh-out-loud verdict on the EU’s stress-test is that all but one of Greece’s banks passed, despite massive holdings of their own government’s obviously unrepayable debt. If only one was making this stuff up for fun, I’d be a happy man. One chap who (I hear) is making everything up on the hoof these days is former Shadow Home Secretary David Davis. In fact, you might be forgiven for thinking he’s turned to standup in order to make a living.

He has taken to calling the Coalition ‘Brokeback Mountain’, and referring to Chris Huhne as The Man Who Never Was. Clearly, Davis has given up all hope of regaining his place in a Cameroon Cabinet – be it coalition or not; but he is expressing, in his own crassly incorrect way, what many people in the Party and the electorate think of the new Government.

There’s never been any doubt in my mind that Davis feels the pulse of the British better than anyone else in the Conservative Party of today. Pussy-cat where Tebbit is polecat, and sink-estate where Cameron is 200-acre estate, he would I’m quite sure have romped to victory as Leader last May. But his loss of the leadership contest may well have been a good thing for this very decent man, as he has a tendency to coast – a tendency that allowed a large lead over the Cameroons to slip. Perhaps he has learned his lesson. I hope so, for as a libertarian, he would come in very useful during the coming decade….if given half a chance.

The ideal line-up for most Tory supporters today would probably be Hague as PM, Davis as Home Secretary, IDS at Culture, Kenneth Clarke at the Treasury, and John Redwood as Foreign Secretary. That would indeed be a heavyweight line-up of the outspoken and bright – never less than entertaining, and guaranteed to scare the bejesus out of Brussels.

What we have instead – with the exception of Hague – is a Coalition of directionless fluffies – and it says a lot about the black hole where New Labour was that I’d much rather have this lot than David Miliband as PM, the banal Banana Man still writing the Manifesto for 1959’s Scarborough Conference as if it might be the formula for cold fusion. But whatever I think – and despite the defeat of Brown having caused widespread relief – there is nevertheless a growing feeling in Britain that the Coalition may not be long for this world. Certainly, it wouldn’t fare well in a stress-test – not even one like the silent slapstick epic just served up by the EU.

Although early failure David Laws looked the part but fell victim to the black propaganda of Charles Kennedy – the Goldman Sachs of Liberal Democrat politics – the boys and girls selected by Dave have looked distinctly sub-prime. Liam Fox is rapidly confirming what most people have felt for some time (balance sheets – indeed any sense of balance – are beyond him) and Andrew Lansley’s bizarre misreading of the Health brief looks like a classic case of giving yet more money to idiots who won’t repay it.

Michael Gove (an honest man with an air of short trousers about him) is off to a bad start at Education, where he has been apologising like a disgraced banker – or rather, like a man who just can’t stop apologising. Having inherited a State system whose currency is hopelessly devalued, he promised much with a plan for deregulation. But in a rush to cut toxic debt, he cocked up most of the detail of the £55 billion junk write-off he was planning. The teachers, Ed Balls, Sally Bercow and a whole host of other truculent former shareholders are thus at last united in opposition to what is, despite their brainless whingeing, an excellent goal: far better teaching and discipline with far fewer shiny new schools for the feral pupils to wreck.

One senses that Gove would scrape through a stress test, but rapid recapitalisation will be demanded.

As the deputy at the Despatch Box, Nick Clegg gave lots of stuff away he shouldn’t have and, in the space of just over half an hour, broke almost every regulatory rule in the book. In turn, he has the creditors baying at his door about the appallingly low level of Party capital among the electorate. He is a Lehman brother waiting to happen, and no mistake.

Theresa May has taken to wearing clothes from the set of Flash Gordon (as a pastiche of the Emperor Mungo look, her black winged effort is without equal) and she has set about the dafter ideas of New Labour with gusto; but neither of these has managed to distract from the fact that she too has a problem with the numbers. Ms May has yet to spot, for example, that the CPS is insolvent and the police morally bankrupt. And when it comes to cutting cop headcount, somebody needs to explain that four times nought divided by three is still nought. Still, she does have the secrecy thing in hand (“let’s have more of it” – always useful in a stress-test) so there is little chance of the more toxic middle-eastern investments of Tony ‘The Shred’ Blair coming to light.

Only William Hague would come through such an examination like some kind of cross between HSBC and Santander. He realised quickly that the Special Relationship Fund was going bad, and the Brussels flotation had been handled by the political wing of the Financially Incontinent & Anally Retentive Society (FIREARSE). So he is now in allegiance with junior partner George Osborne – a man who, oddly enough, really is in charge of the banks, but has no intention of causing them any more stress than absolutely necessary.

What Osborne has done, however, is give the bum’s rush to all those engaged in Eurofication at the Treasury. I see Mr Osborne as a sort of Coutts: he may be owned by RBS, but he’s keeping a safe distance from Cleggite contagion…and so in that sense, he too passes muster as having a decent chance of survival.

The same cannot be said of Vince Cable. Since Day One of The Grand Coalition, he has looked like a salmon whose sudden leap inadvertently landed him in a tree. He clearly doesn’t want to be there, and even more obviously the Treasury mandarins would like to chuck him back into the flooding stream at the first opportunity. To reverse his own turn of phrase, Vince has gone from Mr Bean to Stalin in no time flat. He must therefore be Moscow Vorodny, for no other brand would do him justice.

As for David Cameron himself, he remains that sadly inevitable but seemingly unproductive part of our contemporary landscape, the Hedge Fund. Nobody hedges quite like Dave: he is the Leylandii of all hedges, a barrier designed to shed no light whatsoever on what doth in his garden grow.

He doesn’t want too much Yankee criticism of BP, but finds the company’s behaviour reprehensible. Doesn’t want to meet Senators about released bombers, but will do in a bid to keep the Special Relationship going – and shaft Blair. Didn’t want to lose David Laws, but didn’t want a lot of homophobic Tories on his back. Went to Eton but knows how to eat a hotdog. Despises all the lies of the previous lot, but did a fine job in backing away from any real democracy on the question of EU (and euro) membership.

Perhaps this is a case of cometh the hour, cometh a man for all seasons – but I think not. There are real-life crises heading straight for this temporarily necessary (but basically unsound) coalition of Savile Row and sandals. Herr Van Rompuy for one, Franco-German banking collapse for another, China v the US for a third. After that come Afghanistan, our own Islamists in the UK, trade unions angry about austerity, and the coming deflationary depression of our two biggest trading partners.

These are not problems likely to be solved by big societies and flaky young men who seem to be forever badly briefed: it will be the task of a small War Cabinet peopled by well organised and tough negotiators. The Coalition, I believe, is too much of an ECB – and not enough of a BoE. We need a more inclusive Tory Government, not a weak Coalition with a squabbling junior partner.