You may have already seen in the Telegraph this morning that, following a hammer attack by Muslim kids on white schoolboy Henry Webster in Wiltshire, a review of the incident says that schools in England and Wales ‘should record the ethnicity of bullies and victims. If a pattern of racism emerges, they should take urgent steps to address the playground culture. Teachers should also liaise more closely with the police’.

We’re obsessed with ethnicity in the UK (although things have a way to go before we become as barmy as the Americans about it) and – if the reported contents of this review are correct – then it will be a problem for us in perpetuity.

I went to a school in Manchester where half the pupils were Jewish. I must’ve had rows with some of them from time to time. One particularly obnoxious kid was, I remember, set upon by four Christian lads on one occasion. It had nothing to do with his Judaism; in fact, had he been of our faith, they would’ve punched his lights out long before they eventually did. Today, however, this would go down as a racially motivated attack.

Soon after the incident – in 1964 – we had a mock General Election at the school, and one kid stood as the Nazi Party Candidate. He’d always been a complete dickhead, and at several meetings during the campaign he went way over the top about Jews. He too got a good hiding in due course, and we all knew who’d done it. It seemed entirely just to us – and that too today would go down as a racist attack. So who would we then say had started it?

It is vital for the pc Left in Britain to keep the pot boiling on the minorities thing, because without it they’ll have little or nothing to drivel on about. Even if Henry Webster was attacked for ethnic reasons, what had he said or done to evoke that attack? It will inevitably become one side’s word against the other’s. And it will inflame a bitterness that might have been short-lived had nothing been done.

The police, of course, are big into ‘hate crimes’: they’re easy to detect, and have promotion written all over them. Are we now saying that every time a fight/attack/scuffle/loud exchange of insults takes place, teachers must work with police and produce a report? If so, two things will result: one, teachers will be even more distracted than they already are by needless form-filling; and two, without doubt in time this practice will create jobs. Unproductive jobs. Useless jobs. Jobs the abolition of which will be seen in and of themselves ever afterwards as ‘institutional racism’.

Who knows what the job will be called: Cultural Police Liaison Officer? Educational Racial Violence Monitor? It doesn’t matter – once again those with a vested interest in keeping community relations at rock bottom will have tightened their cancerous grip on our culture. And – natch – the lawyers will carry on getting richer and richer.

It’s not very nice to be called a Yid, or a Jewboy, or a shonk. It’s not very nice to be called goyim, fangwoi, oik and Manc – I know this because I’ve been called all these things in my time. And yes, I do know that a black person is more likely to be called a nigger than I am a honkey: but the lesson should always be the same – feel sorry for the knuckle-draggers who do it, ignore it, move on, get over it, get a life. It is the only way.

Hate dependence is creating a culture of offence-taking in Britain which now borders on the ridiculous. As one ist or bic after another is added to the list of things we mustn’t think, say or do, I sometimes feel like getting retrospective damages for all the people in my life who’ve been northist, manist, classist, blue-eyesist and ageist. But apart from harbouring a grudge to eat away at my tolerance, what good would it do? Well, it might earn me money – and this sometimes is indeed the motive behind those endlessly pestering tribunals.

My own pet-hate (and this therefore ranks, I presume, as a hate crime in itself) is the bic to do with homos. Although often accused by people who don’t know me of being homophobic, I am neither frightened of nor prejudiced against homosexuals of either gender. But this sector of the growing Hate Market is also expanding into Sillyville….as the latest Aussie example shows. Those prone to vomiting at the sight of show-trial confessions should look away now.

The Oz swimming star star Stephanie Rice broke down in tears at a press conference she called in Sydney yesterday. She called it to plead, beg, grovel and crawl for forgiveness over what she labelled “thoughtless and careless” comments she’d tweeted to a friend.

Rice is a Triple Olympic gold medallist who, when she’s not begging for mercy, is also a major rugger fan. Watching a dramatic game between the Aussies and South Africans last Sunday, she typed onto her Twitter space after a try, ‘Suck on that faggots!’

Now Stephanie is a Down Under gal, and so we must make some allowances. But even so, Twitter is a public(ish) medium and she is a very public figure. So tweeting that was dumb. To be frank here, I’ve heard gays called much worse things than that – but yes, the words would be offensive to some.

Not to everyone who’s gay, however. Elton John was very amused when singing fans at Watford asked if he ‘took it up the arse’. This is because Elton is a funny, realistic bloke who couldn’t give a monkey’s what people say – and isn’t easily offended. Nevetheless, gay ex-footballer Ian Roberts was very, very deeply offended. He called Rice an “idiot”, and demanded that sponsors abandon her.

Meanwhile, our Steph had deleted the post, and apologised via the social networking site. But thanks to forgotten rugby league star Ian Roberts’ intervention, Rice had her deal with carmaker Jaguar terminated on Tuesday. Suddenly, Ian was unforgotten – a result, one suspects, that was uppermost in his mind. Anyway, fearful that her whole income might rapidly disappear and she’d be forced to make her next swim in a shark-filled tank, on Wednesday Stephanie Rice opted to offer a public apology as well. Get the sick-bag ready. This is what she said through the tears:

“My comments were thoughtless and careless but I can assure you I’ve learned a lot in the last couple of days. I’ve learned I must think before I speak and this has been a very important lesson. I’ve also learned that some things you say can mean more to others than they do to you. And above all, I’ve learned that unless I suck his dick, this bitter Queen Roberts is going to be forever on my case”.

I made that last bit up.

Let me tell you what I think. I think that Rice is probably a braindead kid who can swim pretty well and likes ruggery guys with meat where their brains should be. I think Jaguar’s marketing people are almost certainly jerks devoid of any spinal material – to have hired her in the first place, and to have fired her now. I think Ian Roberts is a two-bit ex-rugger-bugger (sorry) whose bit parts in mini-series – playing rugger stars – represent the pinnacle of his career. I think his modelling shots and press clippings suggest he’s a cock-obsessed exhibitionist, and I have the photos to prove it….

…..and I have many gay mates who would almost certainly think him a complete berk. (As a piece of rhyming slang, berk is far more potentially offensive than faggot).

But above all, I think this demonstrates yet again how today’s minority can so easily become tomorrow’s fascist commissars. We saw this in England last year with those two guys vindictively suing the B&B owner, and we’re seeing it now with Islamics in East London.

Insisting that one has been a victim of hate-crime is rapidly becoming the way to distract attention from the real agenda – as the increasingly brave columns of Andrew Gilligan show only too well. Further, pandering to this bollocks is a good way to get promotion if you’re a copper – and a brilliant way to create jobs of you’re a pc promoter.

Society – our multi-ethnic society – would be hugely better off for all the cultures involved if we quietly unpicked the ‘s’not fair’ industry, and focused instead on mutually earned respect. Self-respect comes from ignoring bigots, in the certainty that they will get theirs in the end. We have a Race Relations Act and the decriminalisation of homosexuality between adults in private. That is more than enough: we should junk all the rest of the paraphernalia, and get on with getting on with each other.