Supporters of Newscorpse are fighting for places at the funeral feast
On occasions, there are friends one can do without. “It is unlikely that Mr Murdoch, his son James, or Les Hinton committed crimes,” wrote a commenter in the Financial Times yesterday. As this opinion emanated from Conrad Black, the biggest media crook ever caught and jailed in business history, I have little doubt that hacks of the Guardianista Independente Axis of Goodness were yesterday looking for signs that he’d been offered a bung by Murdoch to shut up, but unwisely declined the offer.
I have it on very good authority, by the way, that the secret diaries of Robert Maxwell have been found during the renovation of his one-time yacht, Ghislane. These state unequivocally that Rupe is the nicest man in the world, and gave most of his money to Jewish charities. Sir Hugh Trevor-Roper has been exhumed and given the diairies the nod, so they will be serialised in this weekend’s Sunday Times. Said Tom Baldwin, “I’ve hacked into Murdoch’s bank account because he deserves it the bastard, I always hated him, and I’m confident that a cheque made out to Rob Max (1978) Ltd is the smoking gun in all this. What a turn-up!”
By far the closest friend to damn the Murdochs with lachrymose praise today, of course, was our very own Rebekah Redtop. The virgin Queen finally relented under the fierce pressure of her best friend Uncle Rupert, but her love for the man sings through in this first draft of her resignation speech, blagged from her Ipad by Slog reporter Vince Mulcable last night:
‘Rupert’s evil, wickedness and incisive knife has guided me throughout my career, and James is an adorable little tin of talcum powder who has introduced me to some of the purest suppliers at the best possible prices. I would like to thank them both for their support, and for fighting so hard to commute my sentence from beheading by the El Ahmad-Abu-Fox-Chamel royal family. I have worked here at Newscorpse for 22 years, and I know it to be part of the most corrupt, bigoted and biased muck-stream in the world. News International is full of tainted, unprofessional and dishonourable people. I am proud to have been part of that team, and lucky to have known so many so close to our Lord and Master Beelzebub. I leave here with the greatest reluctance to remember anything unless I get money and a shorter sentence, in return for which I’d be delighted to shop an abundance of friends, starting with that baby-faced rat-fink Cameron’.
Interpol meanwhile is conducting a house-to-house search for the Newscorpse fan now known to be the only person in Britain who didn’t tell Mr Rabid Macaroon that Andy Coulson had been UK Lying Champion from 2002-2007. He is thought to be Mr Gideon Unborne of no fixed statistics, formerly Lord High Chancellor of the Digger Shilling, and latterly houseboy to close Murdoch ally and soccer Tsar, Roman Nosforatuvich. Said Guardian reporter Bisley Gloatin, “We’re pretty sure Unborne blagged into the hairdressing records of socialite and Royal commentator Ginger Minge-Bushe, although we can’t be sure. But if we’re wrong, then a retraction will be forthcoming right at the back of the book, somewhere well beyond Page 34”.
And finally, long-time Murdoch devotee Mr Jude Lorramoney has decided to sue The Sun for hacking his mobile phone while he was in a relationship with Sienna Miller, the model and actress bullied viciously cross-examined aggressively by Mikhail Silvertongue QC during May of this year. Mr Silvertongue, you may recall, told Justice Vos that an award of £100,000 would be “out of all proportion” to the nature of Newscorpse crimes against Miller, despite his clients having bunged fat prick Max Clifford £750,000 to shut up about the hacking of his phone a year earlier.
Tonight, Newscorpse called Mr Lorramoney’s suit ‘cynical and vindictive’. And in an unrelated instance of cynical vindictiveness, a Herr Alfrod Tatler of Linz, Vienna, told the Berlin Reichstag that he deplored the base decision by the Jew Franklin Roosevelt to declare war on the Greater German Reich “purely on the basis of a little unpleasantness in the Pearl Harbor area”.
The case continues.
The Slog 