Looking at the picture above, many of us will find it heartening to see young, deprived people getting off their backsides and trying to make the most of their opportunities. The four chaps shown here have been sponsored by Barclays CEO Mr Bob Diamond, and sent on a new training course. Designed to give completely hopeless, self-pitying berks the chance to become investment bankers, the course – entitled ‘Banking today: the Lessons of Looting’ – has been an outstanding success. The gusto and complete lack of social awareness being employed by this foursome of high-achiever course members proves that the corruption of our culture has been massively exaggerated by the media. Said a delighted Mr Diamond:

“The success of this meaningful Barclays initiative was my brainchild, for which I am happy to accept the credit while remaining of course far too modest to accept any responsibility. These fine young men have shown just how easily the dysfunctional activity of disgracefully looting a small business run by an honest taxpayer can be turned into the complete opposite – that is, an understanding of how the vital economic art of borrowing the taxpayer’s money and then starving his shop of funds can be totally positive.”

Another exciting development is the way in which entrepreneurs unable to make it onto the Barclays scheme have been branching out in other directions. Here above we can see budding media tycoon Stan Buymee posing for photographers with Issue Two of his recently launched title, Looting4Bros.

Meanwhile fun-loving, vivacious former University hostess Louise ‘Barker’ Mensch is seen here mounting her new high horse, while pronouncing on the need for looters to be taught a lesson by having their internal organs removed without doctors present. Ms Mensch, whose string of outsize horses has helped her tell many a tall tale in recent years, is busy on her new novel, Desire of Destiny, the follow-up to her last classic, Destination: Desire. Says bodice-busting, pert Louise (34-23-4-sand-1-cement):

“Would the Prime Minister agree lick-suck-lick with me that hacking the phones of rioters is entirely justifiable as it merely represents the monitoring of stolen property arf-arf?”

All’s well in the EU, as Herman Van Rompuy listens to the sound of Greek workers burrowing through to China’s gold reserves. He remains supremely confident that the operation will be completed in time for Greece to return to the markets as a net seller of gold by early October. Later, Mr Van Rompuy visited Italian workers tunneling under the Mediterranean in order to tap into Saudi oil reserves. The tunnel suffered an early setback when German engineers discovered that the Italian team had been digging backwards.

Having been blown off the front pages for four days, CNN Chat Show millstone Piers Morgan is stumped after being asked by his guest Chief Inspector Backhand of the Met’s anti-riot squad what he was doing last Monday in Tottenham, Tuesday in Croydon, and Wednesday in Birmingham.

“I was helping Special Branch monitor looter mobile phones,” he eventually lied. Mr Morgan later asked for 539 phone-hacking offences to be taken into account, but was nicked anyway on four charges of peripatetic incitement to riot.

David Starkey, accused last night of racism, found himself in the dock yet again this afternoon after referring to white Premiership soccer stars as “quite obviously useless wankers who wish they were black”. He said they kept on openly displaying this desire by swivelling their hips in an attempt to suggest a natural sense of rhythm, but instead falling over the ball and having to pay prostitutes.

“It is really quite alarming to watch them doing this,” said Mr Starkey, who contentiously added, “This is not British behaviour. Our tradition for many dozens of seasons now has been to have an utterly incompetent grasp of the game but a tremendous work-rate. This sort of half-trained idleness is a pernicious attempt to move away from being gallant losers, and I deplore it”.

Starkey also faces charges of footballism following remarks last week to the effect that Wayne Rooney is a foul-mouthed, braindead child who wants everything on a plate. When cautioned by Thought Police, he asked “Izzit cos I is grumpy?”

———————ooOoo——————

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the Sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London.  Give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we’re happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the Tellies, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever…Innit