There’s more than cash in the attic at Ten Downing Street

Spring may start later some years and British summers may be cool or hot depending on the gulf stream, but one tradition can be relied upon by every citizen lucky enough to have been born in these islands: the declaration by the banks that regulators will only get in the way of them making us all eminently richer……and the sight of David Cameron waving his avid bottom in the air, inviting senior bankers to take their turn should the mood take them.

As the evidence piles up on both sides of the Atlantic, building  to the obvious conclusion that perhaps 40% of our major banks are already overleveraged (again) subject to the vagaries of derivative bets (again) and over-exposed to ClubMed debt (again), The Sunday Telegraph reports today that Cameron is taking over banking reform ‘due to increasing concerns that it could prompt the departure of one of the UK’s leading banks, destroy jobs and depress economic growth…..’ Aka, caving in to blackmail (again).

We’re not just talking delay here, by the way – a proposition which could have some appeal to the naive who have their brains fitted backwards. We are talking, “the reforms themselves need to be fundamentally re-thought”. Aka, shelved (again). The PM, it seems, ‘wants to focus on what has been achieved on bonuses’. What, Bob Diamond telling you to f**k off you mean?

It wasn’t enough for the *ankers to get reforms put off until 2015. They want the whole idea gone.

This is another Newscorp staring us in the face. We have a weak, amoral PR suit where the country’s political leader should be, listening to the moneylenders in the Temple when he should be scattering their blood-stained tables outside in the street. Once again, only Vince Cable (for all his myriad faults and Big State madness) stands between his Coalition partners and the triumph of evil. And once again, a small cabal of real capitalism’s enemies holds the country to ransom.

It’s time the gloves came off about Cameron: it says in the programme here that the bloke is playing for the  British XI; well, he isn’t – he’s playing for anyone who’ll stick money up his rectum – and he doesn’t care whether that’s Lloyd Blankfein or Recep Erdogan.

Turkey’s real agenda may seem a leap from this subject, but it isn’t. As this site has long argued (because the signs are so obvious) Cameron’s speech in Ankara last year praising Turkey and putting them forward as ideal EU material was a national disgrace, and a well-earned stain on our relations with the only ally we can trust in the Middle East, Israel. Since then, Erdogan has strengthened his position, increased his internal harassment of enemies, and openly allied with Iran.

It has been staring us in the face where this would end up, and within a few short months we can see what is effectively another Islamist State  flexing its muscles dangerously close to the heart of Europe. But no, Cameron wanted to trade with this very same booming State, and he listened to the FCO blockheads as they told him what a good idea it would be to get some juicy trade deals, be on the winning side where South Eastern Europe joins North Africa…and cuddle up to our Muslim brethren at home.

Now, entirely predictably, Turkey’s fascist leader is ratcheting up the pressure on Israel – expelling its Ambassador and demanding Netanyahu apologise for his actions against the flotilla. In the corridors of Brussels – I can tell you with certainty – Cameron has made a complete clown of himself over this….and isolated us still further. Not a single major player in the EU wants Turkey in it: for one thing, Cyprus is an EU State, and the Turkish Government refuses to recognise it.

Money, money, moneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoney.

Now that Newscorp is dead as a contender for Cameron’s Get the BBC project, Tim Chatwin, head of strategic communications at Downing Street, this week handed in his resignation to take up a job at Google. Google (as you will have heard its CEO Eric Schmidt punting earlier last week) is dead keen for a new outlet for Google TV. When Steve Hilton told respected media sources late last year that the Tories “don’t need Murdoch”, he wasn’t joking: Tim will be working with Hilton’s wife Rachel Whetstone…who is already head of communications and public policy at Google. I have no doubt that Jeremy Rhyming-Slange is already dropping his pants in readiness at the Ministry of Culcha.

Why does Cameron see no problem with this? How will he evade yet further charges of clubbism as and when the Googlies start getting even further involved in UK media affairs? Easy: he doesn’t see it like that. He sees a country pushed, bribed and generally run by Big Business as heading into the future in a commercially grown-up way. You know – sort of “Let’s get that yank Bill Bratton in, beef up the Met with a new reputation for zero-tolerance – and then flog it to the Chinese as a flying squad in Africa. That’ll be good for the balance of trade gap.”

David Cameron’s real persona is thus the obvious contender for this weekend’s SUITF….a new feature here that I at least am beginning to enjoy writing. He is an empty till, ready and willing to ring up a sale of anything to anyone. He is youthful and baby faced. He is Dorian Gray – and somewhere, alone in the attic of 10 Downing Street now that Mrs Brownchester has been set free, is a creepy-crawly painting of the oily toff who somehow lucked into the leadership of the Conservative Party.

But if you find the use of the diabolical Dorian to be unfair and/or over the top as a parallel, ask yourself this: what would David Cameron privately not approve of? Coke snorting? Phone hacking? Leaving a mentally ill PM in office in order to have an easy task in a future election? Chucking pot plants out of Oxford windows? Insider trading? The taking and raping of Turkish democracy? Working with Gaddafi’s intelligence loons?

Either way, I’m making an appeal to all readers: this relatively quiet Sunday evening before cold market reality finally hits us at the end of summer, please do all you can to get #DorianGraymoron trending on Twitter.

Related: Cameron’s ill-judged rhetoric in Ankara