How the EU Collider turned reason on its head

Scientists at the University of Brussels are convinced they have found a new species of human particle travelling more slowly than time. Working under the tutelage of Professor Werner Vilius-Finnischitt, a team of social anthropologists is now convinced that laws previously thought to be immutable have been broken.

Said doe-eyed German student Hande Hoch, 36-24-26, “It had previously been thought that nothing could move more slowly than the Bernanke particle, but by firing a Van Rompuy decelerator into the Trichet neutron field, it seems that we have induced a velocity lower than the Papandreou Time Parallax.”

Despite the apparently robust results, some scientists are sceptical about the team’s additional thesis that two further particles have been discovered.

“The idea that this so-called Tiny Sarkozy Atom can travel faster than sound and slower than Time, while being in two places at once, is quite preposterous,” observed Conservative euroscientist Norma T. Bitt, “As far as we’re concerned, the Maggio-Thatch principle still applies, viz, there is no such thing as anything I don’t believe in”.

But Russian cosmologist Nikolai Cleggeronavich disagreed, saying, “I think you will find that while taking a nap one afternoon before leaving early to spend more time with my family, I did in fact predict the likely existence of the Merkel nucleus, around which other essentially sub-atomic peripheral wave-particles (or europols) orbit in an essentially dependent yet somehow pointless manner”.