Another Slog first as we delve into the future, and see the end of the road

As we go into the weekend, many of you must be wondering WTF this EU/Europe/eurozone/ClubMeds/crooked banks/German invasion/French collapse thing is really all about. So for those of you with a life, this morning The Slog sets out your very own cut out and keep diagrammatic ongoing critical path analysis as to who stands where. And here it is:

Germany (No)

The ECB     The US  (Why not?)

France (Yes please)

the UK (Sorry? What was that again?)

To get us kicked off, I’ve kept this one ultra-simple. In charge because it’s very big and important at the top there is Germany, sitting on the ECB’s head with an enormous wurst-created bottom at every opportunity, particularly when hearing the words “help debtors”, “offer solution”, “buying bonds” or “let’s be flexible, should we?”

To the right – on the German side up to but not including the inviolability of the ECB – are the Americans, who want to shoot bazookas full of money at people although they’re not sure who. This is called ‘friendly fire’, and basically it involves giving even more money to banks by borrowing even more unrepayable money than we already owe. To somebody, somewhere.

Below them there is France, which frankly doesn’t give a flying f**k about anything except France, and is engaged in digging tunnels into the ECB’s vaults via the EFSF, in order not to have to sell any gold. The goons keep finding these tunnels, and telling midget tunneller Nicky Sarko of the Free French to go sit in the cooler for a week.

Far over to the right there is a very small thing called Us (not to be confused with the US) which sees the whole thing as an imponderable, and thus far too difficult to deal with. We are, as a result, slightly out of touch and suggesting silly ideas while asking f**kwitted questions.

Right in the middle of all this is Mario Draghi, President of the European Central Bank – the man who can only please everyone by saying yes, no, and why not all at the same time. Our photo below (taken yesterday) shows him getting a little bit bent out of shape due to intense pressure – especially from the US which, as you know, is nothing to do with Europe at all beyond having lent it most of the bad Gold in Sacks in the first place:

Over the last 24 hours, our top brains here at Sloggers’ Roost have been projecting this process forward in order to gauge its likely success. We expect the Hun quite soon to become bored of sitting on Signor Draghi’s head, and to instead hand him over to their more professional interrogators, who will commence pulling at his brain from above:

French tunnels are now so numerous, we foresee a mass break-in to the ECB at any time, a move which – once the shovel has been liberally applied – will impinge on Mario’s freedom of movement by rendering him a double-amputee:

(General thrust of French shovel)

But if it all looked a bit sticky from the outside, the ECB’s new Italian boss is now on the inside, and discovering how Europe’s weaker and largely French banks have been telling fibs about their assets, defrauding the ECB by asset-swapping, or doing both at once (‘whoppers’) to keep getting ECB cash which (if the ECB knew the truth) they wouldn’t even get from a loan shark:

As Signor Draghi will be leaking from the bum and have no legs at this point, we forecast him to start arsing about in some way or another very soon thereafter…..him being a greasy Eyetie an’ all, and thus not very trustworthy except in relation to the Greeks who can’t even cook, let alone tell the truth. Our Sloggomodel now predicts a very large infusion of poo from the wurst-digesting body from above, graphically illustrated in brown below. More brown stuff will be emerging from the side, as Wall Street begins screaming at the US Fed that they need bazooka support – and right now. So Signor Draghi will be the lucky recipient of two forms of poo, both poisonous and yet in an entirely opposite fashion:

Salvation will nevertheless shoot upwards, shown above in blue. Originating in the Mediterranean area in the shape of both sovereign and bank collapses, this vast cascade of turd-infested water is going to give the luckless Mario the colonic irrigation of a lifetime, but if nothing else render any remaining French whoppers both irrelevant and harmless. Except to the French, who will have to sell all their gold, scribble on bits of paper in a railway carriage, and then retire to a line somewhere south of Madrid.

Our penultimate computer projection homes in (below) on the scene that will greet Spiv investors as they queue up to buy some rather damp and whiffey bonds from Brussels. With the aid of the yellow arrow there, you can just about make out the closed eyes of Mario Draghi’s head, and to either side of it a varietal bolognaise of saltwater poo spaghetti.

Finally, drawn and projected in Time and a waste of space, we can show you the likely effect of the British Government on this process……

(Magnified 1.3 trillion times)