Hands up all those for a 2-speed, one-colour Europe

A friend wrote to offer help with a homoaeopathic (funny word, that) medicine last week. It’s for my snot condition following The Thing, and it’s German. The German tradition of Apotheke is a very real one, but has been largely forgotten; this is a shame, as it’s just another line of genius that will be lost in the never-ending hunt for Britain’s Talent and a Song for Europe.

There was a piece in the Telegraph this morning marvelling at how Germans could go to Christmas markets and be jolly at a time like this. This is the point of German Christmas markets: they are by far the most fun you can have with your clothes on. You walk in thin and miserably sober, and walk out fat and pissed.

These are just two very simple things that the Germans do better than anyone else in Europe. The French have a community hall in everywhere that’s bigger than a hamlet, culinary genius, and a well-run, disciplined education system. There is no nation on earth that understands how to have a good beach party with grilled sardines and salad like the Portuguese. A Spanish castle cannot be beaten. Nor can Iberian tapas and dry sherry. Dutch architecture, beer, financial learning, fish, history, art and windmills lead the way. Only the Italians have brio, a love of children without spoiling them, terrific opera, and the mafia.

On and on it goes. Even we humble British have gardening, cricket, Stonehenge, Royal occasions, fish n chips, social awkwardness and an obsession with property to add to the mix.

Life consists of interaction, families, eating, craftsmanship, debate, self-indulgence, work, change, art, science, ambition and dozens of other essential parts of what has become known as social anthropology. There are 27 cultures in the EU, and each one of them does this stuff differently – differently in such a way that makes the rest of us want to visit their country.

Imagine an EU in which we could learn from how others do things better than we do. One which celebrated that variety for the good of all. One that sought not only to keep the differences, but strove to incorporate them into our many ways of life. That kept bankers in their place, and accepted that not everyone should be expected to make cars, bread, wine, roads, and movies in the same way as the rest.

That was the Europe I was after in the 1970s – the one and only time I was asked. It’s the diametric opposite of the one we’ve got….and a million light years from the one we seem to be about to get.

I vote that Britain should not be a part of it. Not because of Little Englanderism, but because I love the real Europe. If my Government doesn’t get that, what else can I say? If the only way to unite Europe is to turn it into a drab, neocon shade of Frankfurt grey, then f**k my Government, f**k the EU, and f**k the Brussels eurocrats. I vote no.