How can one paper be so distorted and naive?

On Planet Guardian at the moment, the main EU headline reads (I’m serious), ‘Tensions rise in EU as Cameron tries to rip up Brussels Agreement’.

I’ve remained fairly calm since reading that screamer, and I shall endeavour to stay cool before offering a simple critique. First, 6 of the 27 EU member States did NOT ‘sign up to’ the Merkozy ‘Compact’ a week ago. (Is that all it is? Seven days? How quickly pixie dust turns to…er, dust). To be precise, nobody signed anything a week ago – they couldn’t, on account of it being a flim-flam, wishy-washy piece of bollocks put out to try and hoodwink the increasingly bored markets in search of a debt guarantor.

Second, the Czech, Hungarian, Swedish, Finnish and Dutch contingents all expressed some reservations at the time. All but the Dutch have since said  “it sucks”, and I can’t believe the Nederlander will be far behind.

Third, the Greek people are broke, starving, demonstrating and enjoying an internet crammed with pretty damned strong anti-German jokes. The Italians – asked by Brussels to recap their banks – have told the Chocolates to f**k off: literally. The Irish demand for another referendum is building daily, unconvinced as they are by the ‘explanations’ of vote-rigging the last time they dared to say no to the Sprouts. This is the raw material for Das Fiskalunion? In your dreams, sunshine.

But the Guardian charges that vile, wicked and thoroughly un-EU Dave has been holding talks with some of the neutrals, pointing out that they just got dragooned into a half-arsed, desperate fantasy lacking citizen support, market credibility, IMF money, and Bundesbank willingness. I mean, how very dare he?

It takes a lot to get me thinking good things of Cameron. He is, without doubt, a directionless pillock who still – in 2011, at least five years after the British electorate finally saw through the vomit-inducing spin – believes that if he gets the press pack plus a docile British Bollocks Corporation to turn up and watch him nodding with false gravitas while listening to dysfunctional mums, this will say to the voters, “I like Dave, he’s just like us”. But the Guardian drives me – fighting, screaming and biting door jambs – into that unholy place where I’d rather stand up for this largely ineffectual streak of Etonian piss than be anywhere near the unutterable stupidity written these days down Rusbridger Road.

Perry Worsthorne it was, I think, who first accused Britain of ’emotional incontinence’ at the time of Princess Diana’s post-death frenzy of gladioli throwing and People’s Princess drivel. But the Guardian has been suffering from rational incompetence for the best part of three decades.

Where does Alan Rusbridger find these people – in the lonely hearts columns of Socialist Weekly? Writing the Macrobiotic Gardening column in The Sensible Shoe? Compared to some of them, I have to say that Will Hutton is a dangerous Falangist sleeper by comparison….because at least Will –  a very bright bloke – is capable of taking out an ice-pick, and using it to spear the emptiness of Camerlot and all its works.You see, my real, deep and not very well-hidden dislike of The Guardian is that, throughout thirteen years of the Mad Handbag, ten years of Blair vacuity, and three years of unbridled Brownshirt nastiness, it did not so much land a feather duster on any of these gargoyles – let alone a killer punch. (And when The Slog did land an uppercut on Brown, the Guardian banned me from ‘Comment is Free’. Free….if you’re a Lefty Fluffy. Among that revered band was, of course, Johann Hari – a good man of Szechuan who believed that lying his deranged head off was ok if it was For the Cause.)

Well, it looks like I didn’t quite hold on to my temper there….for which I apologise. But I need someone to tell me what exactly it is that rendered the Progressive Liberal nexus so literalist, club-footed, censorious, useless at satire, devoid of ironic humour, and incapable of grasping a single commercial principle, it never once caught a banking criminal or stopped an exposion of crazy neocon economics. I tip my hat to the Guardianista writers who strung up the appalling Murdoch Clan; but having had only a year to have a crack at it, the US media are digging all kinds of corporately criminal and tax sh*t out about what a truly evil outfit Newscorp is. This is the big dimension missing in everything emanating from Britain’s bourgeois Left: it knows only how to be fair, but not how to create; it worships process, but has no ideas; it lacks the killer instinct to destroy evil….and most important of all, it lacks the gentlemanly decency to praise those it does not like.

The same is true of the New York Times. The profoundly disgraceful piece by Roger Cohen therein three days ago beggared belief in its ignorance of British life, EU issues, eurozone fiscal indiscipline, and the broader economic issues at stake.

Look: there are a great many of us who want these nasty post-Thatcher millipedes and Brussels control freaks to wriggle back under the rock from which they undeservedly emerged – no unreconstructed GOP/Monday Club dinosaur I. But the soi-disant Progressive Left is never going to do it. They’ve had since 1880 to try, and they have been wrong on almost every issue since then. They belong in a footnote of history along with Mussolini’s fascists, the American Nazi Party, Ollie Rehn, and van Rompuy – the man from Brussels who knows not the difference between pretentious Japanese doggerel and real poetry, nor indeed the difference between a nation State being in the EU or the eurozone.