Given the reassuring news that Party Treasurers are as dishonest as ever (and Prime Ministers just as likely to be made complicit by the need for money) I think the Tory Party this morning needs to think again. Fresh from the huge success of taxing grannies last week, the Coalition must not rest on its laurels: only lateral thinking can keep the Government’s popularity fully topped up.

The logical thing to do of course would be to ban all political contributions and lobbyists, and give a taxpayer grant to any Party attracting over, say, 7% among the electorate in opinion polls. Overnight, ‘influence’ upon political policy would become honest. It would require one Bill, whose passage need take no longer than a month. It would also overnight break down the old politics.

But that’s the last thing they want to do. So what I suggest is this.

As Labour opened the gates to 3.2 million newcomers between 1998 and 2010 – and we can assume most of them voted socialist – I think the Conservatives need to broaden their cash for access policy, not pretend they don’t have one. I thought perhaps, maybe, £20,000 per immigrant, cheque made out to The Tories. That’d even things up a bit, especially if a codicil was added saying they have to vote Conservative for the next two elections.

Of course, to make this entirely fair on those Conservatives who are happy to have high immigration levels (the Coalition let in 40,000 more in 2010 than Labour did in 2009) and to ensure a close watch is kept on their political affiliations, all the lucky immigrants will be housed in Tory constituencies, with a special weighting towards those of Ministers.

The occupants of numbers 12 and 9 Downing Street will thus be moved out while conversion of these underused buildings into shared-accommodation social housing is carried out. What a pleasant difference we shall see in that thoroughfare as eight families move in, and Samcam’s kids get the chance to meet real people who don’t dress like them, don’t speak their language, and don’t like them very much in the first place.

I thought Peter Cruddas’ ‘explanation’ was priceless: “I blustered a bit but having given the wrong impression I must do the decent thing and sign this resignation letter I’ve just been handed.”

Meanwhile, Ruperto Murdochavelli enjoys another dish of cold revenge. Live, die, swords etc: if the cops don’t get him, Newscorp will.