Man who never was meets man who never will be

In between exchanging email and text fluids with a raunchy sociopath, desperately trying to keep the Conservative Party’s paedophile wing hidden, and getting ready to deliver another pointless veto to an uncaring EU summit, the Prime Minister has jetted all the way to the Middle East. He’s on a peace mission to flog 100 Typhoon jets to the UAE and Saudi Arabia as part of his celebration of the Arab Spring, but while there I understand the dear boy will also be attending to certain, ahem, personal business matters.

The Slog’s smoke signals column recently made mention of Rancid Cameldung’s alleged investments in Libya. I am in little doubt that they exist, but as to what they might involve, there is only speculation and conjecture. In mid September, the PM remarked, “Look at Libya since the fall of Gaddafi. We’ve seen elections to create a new Congress. And now plans to integrate armed groups into the national police and army.” That had the distinct air of not much flim trying to flam in order to sound like progress, but since his jostling joint effort there with Sarkozy in 2011, the Conservative leader has gone out of his way to position post-Gadaffi Libyan life as a new Eden.

Meanwhile, the UK’s national picture is still being bigged up, despite the UK’s manufacturing sector shrinking in October for the sixth month in a row. Not only did new orders fall, costs rose at a faster pace than previously. But there are “reasons for optimism” said Draper Osborne, and so this morning I see that the Bank of England MPC will probably vote to hold off from any more QE.

I’m glad the QE has stopped, because to date Swervin’ Mervyn has thrown £375bn at it, and achieved precisely zilch…almost 30 times more than George Osborne has ‘saved’ in austerity cuts….although if one looks at the YOY budgets, Government spending is still on the rise. As for the ‘reasons for optimism’, I haven’t a clue what they are: the economy remains unbalanced, lending to business is pathetic, at least three of our major banks are still toxically wobbly, and Britain’s export performance remains risible, bent Arab arms deals notwithstanding.

The one hard fact I’ve seen to support any optimism left here is that we will grow faster than any eurozone country next year….but all things are relative, as the ezone is reversing with all the acumen of an Italian tank. Its currency contines to look very doubtful indeed, with French banks greatly exposed to Greek default, and everyone else up to their necks in Spain’s Caja-ka-kah. As you might imagine, very few Asian growth economies are keen to do business with a trading zone likely to pay them in own-label lavatory paper. Apart from one poxy deal with South Korea, the 27-member European Union has seen talks lag with China, Japan, India and several other Southeast Asian countries over the last five years.

These ongoing news stories may seem to be incoherently joined up, but in fact they represent a consistent picture of false hope being generated with the use of piss-and-wind power. This little-known cross between hydro-electric and convection generation has been developed in recent years by the Outer Middlothian Buddhist Energy Collective (OMBEC). It is expected to cater for some 46.77% of UK false hope needs by 2041, and will make Britain a net exporter of urine and bowel-gas within eighteen months.

The problem with the OMBEC project is its sensitivity to universal physical reality. Specific elements of this likely to reduce production over the next five years include Hackgate Court confessions, North Wellian child abuse scandals, EU meltdown, RBS insolvency, the Barclay Brothers, Rupert Murdoch, Syrian contagion, inability to repay steadily rising debt, running out of liquid cash, Boris Johnson, the 1922 Committee, and Jeremy Hunt.

David Cameron has been remarkable lucky to escape thus far unscathed. But not even he can fritter away a reputation at this rate forever and hope to survive. Unable to summon up even a modicum of the courage required to quit the EU and drop the LibDems, Dave is now stuck in second gear as events overtake him at full throttle. I wish him well with the OMBEC experiment: but like all half-baked alternative energy ideas, it is a distraction. The Prime Minister is running on empty, and his enemies know it.