THE PRESIDENT SPEAKS:

“We know in our hearts and minds and guts and heads that though the journey has been hard, our work long, our hair short and our kids dumb, we remain today what we were and always could be if only we would be once again the yernidedStatesuvmerica.

And you know, what we would be is what we could be and will be if we just stick together, remaining convinced that one day we will see things done in a better way, not just for one day but for every day until we run oudda fingers but until that day you got me and so tomorrow is the first step towards those better days ahead.

Tonight and this morning and then once again this afternoon you, the umercanpepul, have shown the world that you can still find where the polling booth is, and press the wrong button so my guys have to change the vote back to one for me, and we should be proud about that tonight. We should stand tall on the shoulders of those we humiliate, we should honour the soldiers who stand shoulder to shoulder so we can stand on those shoulders, and we should be proud of our mission to bring peace to the world, oil back to America, and fracked stone to the gas stations so we can continue to enjoy the fruits of our labours and I can pretend that it’s not green enough and look concerned.

Four years ago I pledged my future to the people, and you have not let me down, and that makes me proud and you proud and the Romney camp really pissed. For our half of the yernidedstatesuvmerica is the one that can unite us all into two halves coming together because two halves make one and we will be as one, we are already one and our little son will never let us forget or some other shit like that.

We started down a long road four years ago, a winding narrow road littered with the stones of unemployment, the fallen trees of rising debt, the potholes of foreign policy, and the quicksands of inability to pay our health bills. But we puckered up, hunkered down, and got in amongst it all to pass a historic healthcare bill that cut down more trees so we could see the wood, threw the stones of unemployment at our detractors, and allowed the media to explore the potholes of distraction in Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Greece until we finally got our man hiding among the suburbs of our close ally Pakistan.

Tonight you have given me four more years to finish the job, the job that began four years ago and gave me the first four years to say a whole heapa stuff but still offer my ass to the bankers, give lots of your money to the Green folks, and fiddle the unemployment figures while BP burned Miami’s backside thus allowing me to show you, my supporters, admirers, and paymasters that I had the cojones to pull this thing off, and jerk umerca back to prosperity. And together, we will make those four years precious, such that if the mercan union should live for a million miles, people will say we went the extra mile to bring peace to the world, prosperity to our people, and panic to everyone else, which is as it should be, might be, and still could be if you stand by me, stand by me, darlin darlin stand by me.

Of course, now that the race is run and the gloves are off, we’ll have to roll up our sleeves and get ready to blame them yerpeens for everything that is about to hit us but I’m sure won’t because I have been studying hard to get the heads up on all this money jive. We have two choices tonight my friends. We can either leave the EU to its fate and pretend we had nothing to do with it. Or we can wake up to the problem, start kickin some ass over there and forgivin debt, for to err is human but to umm is more my style, so we’ll be following the fate, pretend and nothing to do with us route on that one, and tell the sons of bitches they can all whistle fer their gold because we sold it to the Chinese years ago haha suck on that, whitey.

This is a fine country, a great land, a promised land full of promise, and it will be rebuilt on promises only you can fulfil. Because you see, for we murican leaders, that’s the deal: we make the promise, and you either live up to that promise or you don’t.

But I have faith in the mercanpeepul, I have faith in their unflinching ability to keep on watching America’s got Talent and repeats of Rikki Lake until their brains are fully liquidised, and thus ready for another yardbrush to be rammed up their asses to mix things up a little in the cerebral area, prior to asking for yo’all to do your final patriotic duty of giving we the People who matter and can sort this whole mess out the rest of your money.

For this is, was and always will be a country governed by the People who matter, built on the labour of the People who don’t matter, for the People who do. And no matter what, I know you folks will
see this matter through, and we shall see the triumph of addled mind over pulsating matter once again.

Godblissmurika, goodnight, an’ lets get more of you folks off the welfare bill and back on the streets as soon as possible”.