Buck Palace revellers leg it over wall and seize control of Daily Telegraph.

Readers at the Daily Telegraph website this morning were astonished to discover that their favourite haunt had been stormed by members of the notorious UK Cake Party. They defiled the holy relic with foul headlines before retiring to the Editor’s office to get pissed. Police are standing by to help them in any way they can.

Led by anti-Scouse fanatic and naked TV darts pioneer Killthem McFrenzy, the Cake Party Executive (slogan: Let them eat cake) hurled insults at readers, demanding a new Party for Guildford, and the death penalty for being out of work and off a bike.

“Everyone hates us and we don’t f**kin’ care” yelled leading weirdo David Mellor, only to be drowned out by McFrenzy calling for the restoration of the Tudors. Earlier, the CP’s leader had written that ‘I talk a good game but what have I done? Well, I have paid £9 for the domain name southernparty.co.uk….This area needs its own party, council tenants should lose their rent subsidies if they have any spare money, I would like them to pay the going rate for living in the South…’

As neo-Tea Party subeds fought to gain control of the moderate wing of the building, sinister Turkish Estonian Morris Johnbull spluttered, “I have just read the Leveson Report, and my first reaction is that the British press is really rather magnificent, but not quite right enough just yet. However, they do not deserve Leveson’s sick proposal to throw shackles around that part of the media that is already struggling due to having been bonking blind drunk for thirty years – while doing nothing to tackle the riot of bile and slander on the web. It was Twitter that turned the BBC’s awful Newsnight into a monstrous libel of Lord McAlpine, thus forcing Alistair to reluctantly sue the BBC, the ITV, the world, and to boldly bankrupt everyone who is not a paedophile and too scared to go to Court and take their punishment like little boys I mean men, and let’s not forget the little women. It was the blogosphere that crudely depicted bankers as psychopaths, all the while saying not a word about the trial of Darius Guppy and other miscarriages of injustice. It was the deranged former inmates of Welsh care-homes that wrongly accused Rupert Murdoch of being no hang on, I’ve got that wrong, er….Haut Garenne, Sarkley brothers, communist wreckers, left wing piffle Olympic success despite foul display of pointless swank by Jessie Owens. So there”.

As police waved £100 notes in an effort to tempt the invaders out of their squat, token foreign bint Jamonit Dailymail yelled from a top-floor window, “The bigger mystery hovering over this fracas is why Ukip’s victories (for they were victories, in all but the technical sense) in three parliamentary by-elections did not deliver any seats for this far-sighted Party. Is Britain run by insiders who come to mutually advantageous agreements among themselves about what is acceptable, practically possible, or even utterable? Yes of course they do you thick limey bastards and who’s pinched my drink and why has nobody pinched my bottom?” (*Falls over*)

And as I write, Slog reporter on the spot Buckleigh Poppleford’s latest pigeon has landed here in Slogger’s Roost with the news that a new banner – ‘Delingpole is a traitor who shows Britain isn’t open for business’ – has just been hung from the first-floor windows, along with Mary Riddell.