Scotland Grave Yard at work: exclusive Slog photo

In a daring series of distracting dawn raid gestures yesterday, Metropolitan police took several thousand bones into custody. Swooping on countless car parks and Time Team digs, specialist sex-crime officers were this afternoon celebrating what one grateful former Home Secretary has called “the greatest raid on history in history”.

Speaking from his ancestral home Boyzone Manor just inside Midshipman Cove near Whitby, one-time Thatcher Cabinet Minister Leapon Bottom praised what he dubbed “yet another example of why our lithe-limbed little boy blues are the envy of my world”. And tonight, Metropolitan police commissioner for Sexual Diversity Ewell Turner-Blindeye said he was sure that “Britain’s leaders will, after this operation, be over the moon once more”.

In your Soaraway-Slog over the next few days, we will exclusively reveal extracts from the police raids, including how:

* Henry II was a bestial paedophile who once boasted that he “would rather be hung for a lamb as for a sheep”.

* Thomas Aquinas raped 23,702 choirboys during his disgusting career as a predatory sex beast and classical proponent of natural theology.

* Richard III’s hump was caused by constantly stooping to conquer.

* First World War General Lord Kitchener molested 3.1 million German soldiers at the height of his fame as the compère of It’s a Cockup.

* Renowned playwright William Shakespeare had twelve nights of titus andronicus with two young boys of Verona, while revelling in 3-in-a-bed romps with Troilus and Cressida on BBC property.

* Prince Machiavelli sold thousands of paintings of naked children following a Commons Question from campaigning labourer Wat Tomson

Next week: How Harry Corbett abused defenceless puppets live on television with the full knowledge of Esther Rantzen

Earlier today at The Slog: The silent destruction of the NHS