Sort of losing the plot, slightly.

In the light of the recent riots in Stockholm, The Slog wonders how Swedish authorities would tackle the West’s banking and political corruption issues.

Following the recent riots in Stockholm, police were asked to explain their role in controlling riots that seemed to be pretty much out of control.

“Our ambition is really to do as little as possible,” Stockholm Chief of Police Mats Lofving explained to the Swedish newspaper Expressen yesterday. Lars Bystrom, the media relations officer of the Stockholm Police Department, expanded upon Lofving’s approach:

“We go to the crime scenes, but when we get there we stand and wait. If we see a burning car, we let it burn if there is no risk of the fire spreading to other cars or buildings nearby. By doing so we minimise the risk of having rocks thrown at us.”

The logic of that statement sings out loud and clear, except for leaving the reader in some doubt as to WTF cops are for if their main concern is the avoidance of incoming missiles. But as the riots unfolded, the cars burned, and the rioters waited in vain for the police to do something irresponsibly inflammatory, it became clear where the authorities’ main priority lay. While documenting the destruction, a reporter from Fria Tider observed a parking enforcement officer writing a ticket for a burnt-out Ford. When questioned, the officer explained that the ticket was issued because the vehicle lacked a tag showing its time of arrival. The fact that the vehicle had been effectively destroyed – its windshield smashed and the interior heavily damaged by fire – was irrelevant according to the meter maid.

Somewhere in the darker recesses of my disturbed mind, there rests the idea for a sitcom in which man cop Sven and free-spirited meter maid Brigit live together in a permanent state of muddle. The humour arises from the cop’s ambition to do the bare minimum as intruders rampage daily through their apartment, and the maid sticks as many parking tickets as possible on their getaway cars parked conveniently (but illegally) outside.

In Episode One, Sven the cop is asked by his station commander Lars Bystrom to investigate the dodgy practice of rehypothecation in the banking system. On discovering that this involves bankers using, for their own purposes, assets that have been posted as collateral by their clients, Sven files a report recommending that divisional headquarters should monitor the situation, but only intervene in the event of executives throwing themselves off window ledges…and even then, not in a manner likely to irritate the descending body. The Divisional Commander recommends to Police Chief Mats Lofving that safety nets be fitted to the exterior of all banks so as to avoid any danger to passing pedestrians, and that battlefield-standard helmets be issued to meter maids handing out parking tickets in the vicinity of such institutions.

In Episode Two, Sven goes undercover to see if he can find evidence that Stockholm Mayor Joris Bobsleigh is secretly after Prime Minister Dawid Skamskarõm’s job. He interviews former spin doctor Androîd Kullstromm and is told “Stabbing David, or anyone else for that matter, in the back would be distinctly off brand – just not very Joris. He would much prefer to see David fail miserably in the election and ride in on his bike to save Party and country.”

While Sven unearths the awful truth that Kullstromm faces a perjury charge over his role in the Nyhet of the Jord phone hacking scandal, meter maid Brigit seduces Joris, securing a Mayoral promise to let her issue parking tickets at taxi ranks. The episode closes hilariously with Dawid Skamskarõm bribing Sven to intervene on behalf of Android, and the ever-loyal Sven agreeing to let the accused plead guilty to the lesser charge of parking seven cars carelessly prior to a riot – if Skamskarõm will make Brigit Head of Issuing Tickets for Everything.

There is such dark, Scando-noir Schadenfreude in this sitcom concept, personally I can’t see how it could miss. I suspect it will appeal on many levels – satire, irony, uniforms, but chiefly realism – and become a classic.

Meanwhile, the new day awaits us all: onwards and upwards, offwards and downwards, sideways and flatlining…depending on what you read, and where.

Tycka!

Yesterday at The Slog: The Paedofile – fear and loathing in Sheffield & Rotherham