Scientists at the Lucerne Institute of Ongoing Forward Evolutionary Studies have produced this mock-up of how Conservative Party whips may evolve once David Cameron has been replaced. Avid followers of such things will have spotted that Lord Arseshaft has produced yet more research to show that King Dave of Camerlot is a liability. I would imagine that anyone whose sole flaw involves being a harmlessly unprincipled Toff is going to be a liability if one is trying to establish Government by Gargoyles. The Lucerne boffins have also modelled what a post-Cameron Prime Minister might resemble, but the image was deemed too frightening for The Slog’s family audience.

GCHQ tonight appealed for privacy while it investigates whether ISP and other internet stakeholders have been privately invading the secrecy of dangerous citizens.

Google Oberstürmbannführer Erik von Schittfürbrains told shareholders that he would “vigorously defend Google’s inalienable right to reveal secrecy wherever it might exist”, and insisted on the right to privacy while doing so.

“Obviously,” he observed, “We must be able to rely on complete privacy while investigating the covert existence of secret terrorists inside Yahoo and Apple”.

In the light of yesterday’s Santa Monica rampage that left five dead, America’s National Rifle Association (NRA) spokesperson Emily Enfield told reporters, “Once more the NRA’s arguments in favour of the right to bear arms have been shown to be bare-arsed excuses for our members to achieve all their marketing objectives”.

Ms Enfield added, “Only by having the right to bear arms were the Santa Monica police able to shoot this lowlife looney dead, and thus help to cleanse society of live lowlife looneys. The only answer to a bad guy with a gun once he’s killed four innocent people is lots of good guys with guns, so that means we sell five guns rather than just one waydergo”.

Earlier at The Slog: It’s not systemic guns that kill people, it’s gun-owning people