The world has never been more ised than it is today: globalised, terrorised, brutalised and disenfranchised. Worst of all, of course, it’s undercapitalised – which, given it’s supposed to be largely capitalist, is odd. Or it would be if we didn’t know that the desire of most billionaires is to monopolise.
The suffix ‘ise’ is uffering massively from overuse; and the overwhelmingly largest percentage of this comes from the commercial, banking and political sectors, where it often serves as a suitable euphemism – monetise (destroy), directionalise (rig), prioritise (cut) and so forth. But it is rarely used as a descriptor of people in public life. So I thought this might be a suitable aperture for some harmful fun at the expense of these self-important twerps who see themselves as leaders, but manage only to lead most of us up the garden path.
Serial shagger Boris Johnson, for instance, being incapable of resisting chances to philanderise, is now well and truly womanised. I’m unsure as to the correct medical help BoJo needs, but the invention of a new verb to castratise seems appropriate. Perhaps he should diarise a urologist to advise, or simply hire a locksmith for his flies.
Tessa Jowell is often patronised, and I can think of few people who deserve it more. On Question Time this week she suggested the Harmanesque policy of having all the key offices of State feminised – “because that way we’d get more sensible policies” – by which one assumes she means 24/7 pub opening policies to cut alcoholism…..which result in a lot more people being hospitalised.
I sometimes feel the need to accessorise Jeremy “Berkeley” Hunt, so that we might better itemise the reasons for thinking him to be somewhat compromised. Things that spring to mind include necklaces made of brown envelopes, extra-wide sleeves to contain things as yet unseen, and nose-extension jewellery to be worn when telling the House of Commons, “I have done nothing wrong”. But mainly, I’d like to see Jezzer caramelised.
As for Lord Mandelson, he is incapable of being normalised, but allegedly has a penchant for being colonised. I demonise this gentlemen simply because he is a demon, but on the whole I think he should be fossilised. In a rather attractive shade of amber, tomorrowise.
George Osborne wants the civil service to economise, and while in Opposition would often catastrophise about Britain’s imminent demise. However, now he is Chancellor with a mission to mesmerise us all with his piggy eyes, the Draper likes to minimise the doom we face. While keen to moralise about all of us being togetherised, perhaps he could be criticised for being at times too recreationally nasalised.
Georgie’s Shadow Ed Balls suffers from a propensity to tribalise, while his upper lip often moisturises when he gets energised. At times one feels his brain is under-oxidised, and his version of recent Labour history pasteurised. But backbenchers enjoy the bloke’s capacity to pulverise Osborne – and lionise himself.
The other Ed’s Mili Band is more civilised and socialised. But he is circumspect – and has come to symbolise the contemporary leader’s need to vapourise, improvise and pragmatise whenever the NHS is being vandalised….or real family incomes find themselves jeopardised. One sees little chance of him one day being canonised. I’m not even sure if he’s circumcised.
And so we come to the once idolised but now iodised Prime Minister David Cameron, a man I suspect has been immunised against logic, while at the same time hypnotised by a desire to modernise EU institutions. If he truly thinks this possible, then he should be institutionalised……and subjected to experts who can help analyse how he might rationalise exactly why we remain members of a European Union hell-bent on trying to plagiarise the Third Reich. The verb required here is, without question, to fantasise.
I started this piece by deliberately substituting ‘harmful’ for ‘harmless’. I could forgive our political class almost anything, but never the fact it allows our most vulnerable, frail and screwed-up kids to be sodomised. We should all try and visualise the sociopathic desire to sexualise children already traumatised, and then remember that we have a vote in the electoral franchise. It is within our power to sulphurise these sadists: let’s do it the right way: with hard evidence and the glaring white light of detection……..not by setting out to glamourise those who theorise.
I hope you all enjoyed a Sunday lunch of some description, and I sympathise if your tum is somewhat aggrandised.
The Slog 