Grant: Freebie fraudster well beneath contempt. (See also Shapps)

Networking: 1. Slaving backside off to earn nothing online 2. Collecting people you don’t care about to get on

Oxymoron: David Cameron

Détente: commentary on Scout jamboree

Conspiracy: Abbreviation for Conservative Piracy

Ferrari: Upmarket chocolate that does 0-60 in 4.2 seconds

Chief Constable: Top artist with degree in multiculturalism

Lamborghini: Italian casserole that does 0-60 in 3.1 seconds

Taramasalata: Cypriot It-girl

Porsche: Shakespearian character that does 0-60 in 2.7 seconds

Berlusconi: a plate of beautiful Italian Bunga-bunga cakes

Alfa Romeo: Romantic achiever who does 0-Juilet in five acts