World famous Renaissance gay painter and polymath Leonardo da Vinci has been found alive, hiding in a Swiss bank vault. Art historians had long believed he simply ran out of life in 1519, but the dramatic find now appears to show that he survived on a diet of transparent oxide brown before secretly donating himself to the Italian Machiavelli family, which does not wish to be named.

Asked by CNN chat show plank Morgan’s Pier what his plans were, Signor Da Vinci said he had plans for a craft made of iron floating on the sea, but he had yet to test it.

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The Duke of York has been criticised after he used an official tour partly funded by the taxpayer to help Jeffrey Epstein settle in to his new paedophile bordello in the US. The issue of royal travel expenditure will be scrutinised next week when Sir Ainsdale Beach, Keeper of the Privy Purse, will appear before Parliament’s Public Accounts Committee in order to explain why nobody at all should be privy to what Prince Andrew does at any time so there.

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Viewers tuning in to the ITV Breakfast Show Lorraine were shocked this week to discover that women have tits. The Daily Telegraph broke the news, commenting that ‘Viewers took to Twitter to express their shock at the nudity’ which sensationally revealed that girlie frontal bumps hitherto thought to be Berlei falsie bra fillings are in fact rather attractive squeezy breast thingies with nipples that men can fiddle with to mutual satisfaction during fornication. To the further disgust of damaged people throughout the limbs and breasts of this our fine Nation, the programme also horrified women by revealing that cancer of these tits can kill, and having a good feel about in the shower is highly advisable.

A spokeswoman from pressure group Mediawatch UK, which campaigns for family values in the media, said “Whilst there was nothing sexual or lascivious about the examination, this kind of thing can be problematic. There probably should have been a warning beforehand, as there may have been young children watching and it might have given some of those naughty boys with wandering hands ideas that they really shouldn’t be having until the wedding reception is over and the honeymoon hotel beckons”.

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Australia was tonight designated a medical exclusion zone, after Britain’s Prince Harry arrived and immediately infected everyone with Ginger Fever. Australian Prime Minister and keen monarchist Tony Abbott was warned by the Melbourne Sun Herald to lock up his three female offspring, but he bravely ignored the advice, telling pressmen that he thought “The idea of a Royal Prince knocking up one o’ my not bad looking daughters sounds pretty bonza to me mate”.

Prince Harry is visiting Australia to attend a parade of international naval fleets and tall ships to mark the centenary of the Australian navy’s entrance into Sydney harbour, and also to do some rooting with the old pork sword wherever and whenever possible. Establishment newspaper The Australian  referred to the Prince as ‘the most desirable ginger in the cosmos’, but Canadian film director Ron Howard begged to differ.

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Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei voiced criticism of President Hassan Rouhani on Saturday, saying that some aspects of his diplomacy at the United Nations in New York were “not proper”. In particular, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei slammed Mr Rouhani for speaking directly to the US President on the Satanic telephone invention without a chaperone, and agreeing to begin talks with Barack Obama during the current Millennium.  Commander of the Revolutionary Guard Corps, General Mohammed Ali Jafari, told reporters that the correct Iranian form when asked to speak to an American President would be to spit into the earphone, and then throw the receiver from the nearest window as a mark of controlled diplomatic disrespect.

President Obama told the White House press corps that he was “thrilled and encouraged by the new era of openness” he saw emerging in Iran. In turn, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei expressed regret at the continuing ignorance of the infidel in being unable to tell the difference between him and Ayatollah Khomeini, Ayatollah Ali Khomeini, Ayatollah Khamenei, I Claudius and Ayers Rock.