NOBSORE REJECTS SPENDING TAP IN FAVOUR OF SPINAL TAP

Mendacium tax collector Sheriff Gideon of Nobsore today gave the go ahead for Bank of Mendacium Governor Mark Carnuck to carry on purchasing hundreds of billions of Pounds worth of Tartan Paint bonds from the banks, under the Government’s Banker Bonus Spending Tap Scheme. But he pledged that the continuing attempt to save fourpence on other areas of City State spending would instead involve a spinal tap for hardworking families everywhere.

“My proposal,” he told Mendacium Porkers (MPs), ” is that all citizens should be placed in a left (or right) lateral position with their neck bent in full flexion and knees bent in full flexion up to their chest, approximating a faetal position as much as possible, while sitting on a stool with head and shoulders bent forward. Then my Right Honourable friend Mr E.R. Bunkum-Spliff will administer a yardbrush anally under minimal anaesthetic”.

“Whether we be givers or receivers of the yardbrush” he added, “we are all in this together”.

PRESIDENT OSAMA “WILL NOT USE TOILET DURING MENDACIUM VISIT”

Washington medical security agents have warned US President Mubarak Osama not to piss at all during his two day visit to Mendacium next week. White House insiders told the Chronicle that the risks of infection by doing so were too great. “For Chrissakes,” Osama hard-man Tab Collar told correspondents, “These folks in Mendacium, they recycle their own piss and drink it, right? We don’t see this as sound evidence of good hygiene, and so the President has been advised to hang on in there because everyone knows that in these Third World places, like, there are weird little wormey things that can swim up your wee-wee stream and eat you alive from the inside out I mean like awesome.”

But Mr Collar dismissed as “mischievous” suggestions that Osamacare was really only concerned with the welfare of Mubarak Osama. “The juxtaposition of the two names is purely coincidental,” he said, “We were going to call it Scare, but it didn’t research too well”.

MAYOR CLOSES MENDACIUM FLOOD BARRIER, SAYS IS “WASTE OF POLICE RESOURCES”

Fresh from wrestling an IQ test this morning on Mendacium Radio, Mayor Nautilust announced at lunchtime that the City State’s flood barrier is to close. “My team members have looked closely at an analysis of it’s usage over the last ten years,” he told the Chronicle, “and we really don’t think it’s washing its face”.

Dismissing reports of 140 mph winds already battering much of northern England and Scotland and about to move south, Nautilust added, “Look here, in over a decade now it hasn’t brought a single flood to Court or indeed sent any water-based criminality to jail. And all these left wing scare tactics are merely Ed Balls’s pathetic attempts to make me look bad after his risible mauling at the hands of the Sheriff of Nobsore earlier today.”

But over in the Westminster region, Prime Minister Lord Camerlot told us that he’d “asked Environment Secretary Owen Paterson to chair a Cobra this morning to ensure everything is being done”. Mr Patercake said the entire event was something of a bite in the bum, but that flood culls were in good working order, and his department would be monitoring sea levels and issuing warnings.

He asked for the public to try and understand that he could not as just one man with a miniscule budget of £216m substantively make any difference to outcomes as such: but as for the high flood waters as a whole, the Environment Secretary did suggest that he thought the “somewhat irregular” taxi emissions data issued by consultants Yeo & Johnson Ptnrs might well have something to do with it.

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