MANDELA CANCELS MENDACIUM STATE VISIT

Mayor Nautilust was livid this afternoon after Nelson Mandela’s closest associates cancelled the 95-year old’s visit to the City State of Mendacium. “This is an unforgivable snub,” said Nautilust, “and some of these fuzzy-wuzzies will jolly well have to wake up and learn what an important place Mendacium is with more bankers to the Square Mile than anywhere else in the world or indeed history. This is pure spite purely because St Margaret of the Thatchers said there should not be any sanctions against the old South Africa, well my goodness was she right – I mean just look at us signing trade agreements with Communists nowadays and I’m sorry I’ve forgotten my point”.

Dismissing Mr Mandela’s death as “a feeble excuse” Mendacium’s founding father was equally scathing about what he termed “IQ terrorism” on Britain’s radio stations. “You can see who they all work for in the end,” he quipped, “The British Burbling of Communism. Give me a nice little Murdoch redtop any day. I’m a man of the People, you know.”

LATE FLASH: PETER HAIN TO ORCHESTRATE SHOAL OF WHALES IN TRIBUTE TO MANDELA

WESTMINSTER ABBEY FUNERAL FOR GALLANT PILOT WHO TRIED TO KILL FARAGE

Gallant Kamikaze pilot Justin Capable was found dead yesterday. He became a national hero when he narrowly failed to take Dame Nigel Farage with him during an Election plane crash some years ago. Said a friend this morning, “Justin never got over the disappointment of seeing Mr Garage walk away from the wreckage with nothing more serious than a gormless expression. Also, poor Justin had difficulty walking towards the end due to the seven pints of Champagne and four Beechams’ pills he took daily. He really was the last  of the legless fighter aces. His was a tragic failure”.

Likening Justin to the anti-Nazi German Hitler bomb-plot Wehrmacht Officer von Stauffenberg, Mendacium majority Party leader Avid Cameldung told the media, “I remember the day very well because Bertie my fag at Eton is now Head of MI5 and he said don’t worry Avi darling, he’s a goner.”

But it was not to be: the inscrutable leader of the Union of Kluklux Inbred Pinheads (UKip) dashed to the nearest radio station to broadcast.

“It was a terrible disappointment,” Mr Cameldung added, “one heard that ghastly voice, and immediately recognised it as that of our greatest ever swivel-eyed buffoon”.

CITY BANKER SETS ASIDE CUMIN DERIVATIVES BONUS AFTER GIVING GUILTY PLEA IN MATCH-FIXING CASE

Androids Bank Chairman Lord Blackadder yesterday pled guilty at the City Clown Court to allegations of fixing the Gold Bugs v Threadneedle Albion local derby game last season. Lord Slackbladder shot dead the Albion goalkeeper Pik Grovelarse after just ten minutes of play. Expressing his regret at the unexpected consequences of his action, the Peer apologised to Mr Robberlaah’s widow and seven children, donating his entire Cumin derivative futures EFT trading bonus to a lifetime supply of Durex for Mrs Gobblehard. He asked for the Libor Wanderers v Footsie Quants game to also be taken into account.

Earlier this month, Met Police Chief Ben Toffeeser was guided by Mayor Nautilus away from poppycock, towards the far more corrupt world of those Champions’ League fixtures not yet televised by Newscorpse as well as all disc jockeys still alive who ever met global pervert Jimmy Riddle. Top Cop Ben told the Chronicle that he was pleased with current progress on the investigation. Last week he arrested BBC DJ Paul Gayboccine on the serious charges of not knowing anything about football and having a nephew under the age of sixteen.

Earlier at The Slog: With two minutes to go, it’s Nobsore Whitelines 0 Defence United 1