An Italian nun who just gave birth to a baby boy said she had no idea she was pregnant, but has named her son Francis after the current Pope. The revelation has caused panic throughout the Vatican. When questioned by the consiglieri, Pope Francis said he couldn’t possibly be expected to recall what he’d been up to nine months ago, adding, “Look, Nuns aren’t supposed to do that kind of shit, but I swing the other way so that’s my story and you’ll never take me alive copper”.

And in an unrelated incident, the Christ the Redeemer statue which overlooks Rio de Janeiro was hit by lightning bolts during a storm on Thursday evening. A piece of soap stone, which is used on the statue, was dislocated and came crashing to the ground. Police are looking for a very old white-bearded man muttering. “I sent him to Earth, and tell me, oiveh Maria – vot good voss he already?”

In the hope of perhaps assuaging God’s ire, former Tory MP and now committed UKipper David Silvester MP has made public his controversial opinion that the recent floods in England are Divine Retribution for David Cameron’s strongly held belief in allowing Gay Marriages in Church just so long as it’s still trendy. I’ve just realised that he’s the son of Fred Silvester MP, a man who once said to me that anyone jailed for more than ten years should have razor blades pushed under his cell door as a kind of hint to “do the decent thing”. It’s good to see that insanity genes mellow down the generations, God willing.

The nation is in shocked sympathy tonight after hearing the tragic revelation by quiet and unassuming Conservative rebel MP Timothy Yeo that he is allergic to stamps, and dyslexic. Explaining his avoidance of stamp duty on a family house owned by a company he owns and which he declared as the same company spelt backwards in the list of Members’ interests, Mr Yeo broke down and confessed that the disabilities had held him back throughout a long life spent mis-declaring taxi emissions and shagging constituents with similar names to his wife. Our best wishes go out to him tonight in the hope that he might spare himself further embarrassment by retiring from public life.

Researchers have shown that ancient Egyptian iron beads were hammered from bits of meteorite from outer space. The team’s results show that in the fourth millennium BC, retailers in Scotland had already mastered the tricky process of catching meteorite showers in a sporran, and – by scanning the beads with beam of neutrons and gamma-rays – were able to produce the unique texture of nickel, cobalt, phosphorous and germanium only ever found in McWullie’s the Jewellers of Sochinverfyfee Street, Dundee & Perth. Said SNP leader Alex Salmond, “This just goes ti proov yat agan hoo the Anglish have hild azz baaak”.

St Bernard Hocum-Hoffit tonight arrested himself on charges of Metropolitan policing in a statistically unbelievable manner, but was later released on bail pending a public inquiry to be headed by Jeffrey Archer. “My hunch is that Mr Hocom-Hoffit is first among equals and suffering from exhibitionist confession sydrome,” said Lord Archer, “but I shall retain a completely open mind until finding him not guilty on all charges before rushing off to Waterstones in order to sign Silver Anniversary copies of Kane & Abel”.