Accused of buggery, rape, paedophilia, ritual human sacrifice, necrophilia, incest, mass murder, war crimes, sex with a Grade II listed gladioli and 76,501 parking violations, leading British financier Sir Rafe Royalbank told analysts this morning that his investment bank Costa Marbella Trust would be setting aside a sum not exceeding £43.8 billion in order to settle misleading claims of fraud in relation to derivative lyrics and melodies in previous advertising campaigns. Communications Director Sybil Ant insisted that claims against CMT would be “vigorously defended with the sword of truth, the shield of honour, the purple helmet of desire, and the fee of $30 million being paid to law firm Tryle & Errah”.

David Cameron is tonight reported to be livid about the fact that he has a serious need of sandbags to protect him from a flood of Somerset Levels criticism, but local Government has refused to pay for them. “I must say,” he protested, “considering the amount of time I’ve spent up to my neck in chilly West country waters, I really do think it’s a bit orf that they can’t even stump up for a few bloody bags of beach, given they have lots of beaches down there. Yah.”

Self abuse expert Mark Williams-Thomas broke down in tears outside a Courtroom today after serial sex jockey-beast Dave Lee Travesty was found slightly unguilty of grooming an entire nation of women to like having their nipples tweeked while reading the news. “I simply cannot understand how twelve jurors so carefully groomed by me could have reached this inexplicable verdict, but I suppose it is a sign of the depraved culture in which we live where 99% of the people I accuse are very obviously able to use their magic powers to influence poor innocent jury members who don’t know any better like what I do given like I got a 2:2 PH D in Onanist Studies from Aston Ladies College,” he asserted.

Trappist UKip comms director Patrick O’Flynn finally broke a ten year silence today to tweet 5,921 times that Liberal Democrat MP Catherine Bearder wants the EU to have at least 176% of the power to decide how Britain’s environmental future should progress progressively towards being a Theme Bog for the enjoyment of Chinese billionaires made rich by belching out coal fumes during the manufacture of solar garden lights in Kaochan province. But his lips remained sealed with a loving kiss on the subject of why his boss Fybogel Naraje had dodged a European Parliament vote on the huge asteroid due to collide with Earth at 11.04 am South East England time.