WHO DROWNED BRITANNIA?

Was it the Reverend Edward Miligreen the Environmentalist preacher, in the Ministry, four years ago with the EU baseball bat? Rev Miligreen is fond of little tweets and wildlife in general for example Edicus Ballsupicum, the rare form of vegetative pond life.

Was it Owen Plumberson the Deaf man from Defra, in the Commons last year with the empty dredger bucket? He has form, including the incompetent failure to mass-murder 40,000 shaving brushes last year.

Was it Georgina Whitepowder-Osborne the Treasury book-cook, in the Budget Conservatory, with the razor-sharp austerity knife? She downsized and delayed planned defences along the length of the Thames Valley, the Guardian has revealed. Georgina herself blames Mr Cloud, in the sky, with the rain.

Was it MEPeacock the Tory Sprout, in the European Parliament, with the lobby fodder? Can always be relied upon to pontificate about EC autocracy, and then piss off for a few pints instead of using a vote when given one. No fixed political abode, aliases include Dan Hannanandonandon, Nigella Barage.

Was it Scarlet Potocnik the Floods Fuhrer, in the European Commission, with the blunt directives? Long odds on this suspect, but a known cross-dresser who spouts floods of drivel in favour of biodiversity, including recent damning pledge to ‘a new strategy that will be launched for coastal and maritime tourism. Scarlet’s as good as his word, but we say “Don’t pledge, dredge!”

Or was it really Colonel Mustard-Climate, the wicked planet-warmer, at the ice caps, with the sub-tropical Monsoon front? Everybody’s favourite because his guilt absolves them all. But NASA says he’s a myth, James Datapole says he has no deluging expertise, and Christopher Floods-Brooker says it wasn’t that big a deluge anyway.

Case unsolved, soon to be closed forever and stored by Ed Miligreen at MI5 under the 2400 year rule.

However, The Slog would point to two recurring themes before leaving the game:

1. You could do a lot worse than go to Anthony Watts’ website and view the historical pictures of flood levels with and without dredging. The final clue to solving Floodo might well be here. Compelling stuff.

2. Yes it wuz de cuts, but also it was the EU bonkers-directives syndrome. And the idle MEPs crock. And the spineless EA/EC lickspittle relationship. And Cameron’s mates building houses on floodplains. And all those Labour CO2 wankers now proved so wrong.

In short, all of them.