According to sex therapist Ava Cadell, American women take oral sex seriously. “American women view blowjobs as a form of male dominance, which makes them feel sexually empowered,” she says. “That’s why so many American women take courses on oral sex and buy instructional videos to give them the edge.”

This may well end up being one of the top ten reasons why I would never want to live in the US. Mouths perform blowjobs, and mouths have teeth. Talk of having the edge in that context is more than enough to make me happy staying in the vagina. If you see what I….oh never mind.

Talking of fellatio, along with a great many others I have concluded that leaving your money within gobbling distance of a bank is a dangerous game, Cynthia. The alternative to so doing is not the mattress, as in the not too long run all currencies beyond the Swissie will be fit only for a sort of harshly Lutheran wiping of the backside. So the only alternative is to buy durables, commodities, and in fact anything that has an intrinsic value. Such things will of course decline in value, but it would be a very rum cove indeed who thought the best use for high quality garden furniture, motor homes and gold jewellery might be the cleansing of the arse. The point is, their value will fall, but not to zero.

Unfortunately, this trend will catch on and spread. The level of consumption will then increase manufacturer confidence, create jobs and boost sales….following which, complete recovery can only be a matter of time. It is mainly when thoughts like this occur that I realise life is terminally confusing and depressing.

For instance, have you noticed the near 100% correlation between disagreeing with the majority view, and  incipient madness? It takes only the mere suggestion of a deviating mind to produce the equally majority perception that one is deviant. Thus, Anna Raccoon refuses to believe that Jimmy Savile was the paedophilic equivalent of Father Christmas on a BMW 1200 motor bike, and thus ‘He groomed a Nation’ must be a coordinated Met Police/Newscorp lie. And lo, within days Anna is “in favour of child abuse” – as Mark Wankums-Tosson tweeted to a colleague at the time.

In tweeting that, Mark was of course committing libel, a thing he seems to confuse with slander…as indeed highly-trained “criminologists” are wont to do. It would be nice in the future to go round to the Willy-Tugger’s gaff and yell insults into the air on the subject of his alleged onanism and mendacity. But it would be even nicer to have Mark then sue me for libel, and lose on a technicality.

A great many self-appointed gurus in fact are etymologically challenged. Very few scholars, for example, realise that – in facing trial on trumped up sex-abuse charges – DLT was merely fulfilling his manifest destiny to be the origin of the noun travesty.

But while awaiting the arrival of the Messiah who can make any sense at all out of all this, I am happy to inform you that the launch of UPik is going extremely well. Between them, our glorious saviours of Britannia Nigel Fartarse and Hattrick O’Spin have now captured a remarkable 97.2% of Britain’s 360-degree swivelling eyes. We wish them luck as ever of course, and look forward to the day when their unique brand of libertarianism is the only way for those tortured and soon to be committed souls in our midst.

Pass me my trusty waders, Lady Penelope.

Earlier at The Slog: Britta-filtered water drowns climate-change Truth