And in a packed programme tonight, the Daily Telegraph reports:

At £300,000 a week, we must surely expect more from Rooney. Fans should demand, in each and every game, that the player has a row with the referee, the away fans, both linesmen, a TV camera, and the manager.

Shape up Wayne – you’re in the entertainment business!

The Guardian, meanwhile, has this to say about our fine band of meteorological men and women:

Look, let’s be fair…’drier than usual’ and ‘wettest winter since records began’…I mean, they’re virtually interchangeable aren’t they? Perhaps so…but here’s a blast from the past about the vagaries of weather.

Meanwhile, back at the Torygraph, there is news surely designed specifically to get Stonewall in a bit of a state:

I mean, if you’re a bit of an old Queen, why should you be banned from ascending the Throne on a purely gender-based, er, basis? Said Mildred Boiler-Sweet of the trans-Siberian Lesbian cross-dressing Soviet Feminist track-laying Front this evening, “This is without doubt yet another attack from the fascist male bastion of Royalty and its token puppet female monarch Liz Windsor to put us off the scent of what is really going on here viz and to wit the total enslavement of the bib and brace collective alongside the rebuffing of their human right to long-term employment as spot welders”.

And finally, from The Independent (not exactly an Establishment lickspittle) comes this one:

What more can I say, beyond you read it here first?

Earlier at The Slog: How common sense is being wiped out in the name of munneeee.